If Necessary, Use Words

Here's to you, Spring Semester

2012-01-27T18:07:00.000-05:00

So, this post was supposed to go out at the start of the semester, not 3 weeks after the fact. Oh well. Story of my life. I'd like to note that this week is the first full one we've had this semester at UT.

Here's what I originally wrote and never posted:

I'm excited about spring semester for a couple of reasons. In my current state of mind, one thing to be excited about is the increase in contact with humanity. I've been house/dog-sitting for almost a week now, and I think I've got a slight case of cabin fever. Walking and playing with the dogs around the neighborhood has been quite refreshing. I can't believe I've lived in Sequoyah Hills for several months and never explored it until now (because I have to, haha). It's beautiful.

But yeah, slight isolation plus the fact that a lot of my friends aren't back in Knoxville only adds to the anticipatory feelings of a new semester. That and getting all my books in the mail. I was super stoked when I realized I only had to buy three.

My backpack will be significantly lighter. Even though I have an 8 a.m. and a night class, my schedule seems to be more to my liking (on paper...I'll get back to you once the semester sets in). For some strange reason that most people are utterly confused by, I like getting a "head start" to my day. I don't like 8a.m. classes and waking up super early, but I also have a weird thing about not sleeping past 10a.m. If I do, I feel like I waste the day! Don't you?

As for the walking around the neighborhood, well, I haven't done that since I stopped dog-sitting, which makes me sad because I had a lot of fun being outside. The semester has indeed provided a significant increase in contact with other human beings, which I enjoy. Some days not so much, but for the most part, my re-entry into the world has gone swimmingly. Made a new pass-each-other-in-the-hallway-every-day/grocery store friend in addition to the class friends one always makes with each new semester. What's nice about the class friends is that the faces are more often familiar than not, as we're all in the communications or Spanish programs. You're bound to see each other again if you're in the same major and especially so if the department offers very few sections. Class/section availability is an entirely different animal.

And so far, yes, I've enjoyed my schedule. The whole 8a.m. class is still simultaneously sucky and nice. My professor for my communications topics class (Communicating Diversity: Approaches, Applications, and Appreciation) is wicked cool. She's hysterical and really knows her stuff. Night class with her at the helm should not be difficult!

My backpack is indeed lighter. I particularly enjoy that fact that my current and previous Spanish classes did not require a textbook. We do have to print out some things, but it's much cheaper than buying a book. And that's always a nice thing.

I went from this (fall semester):

To this:

I'm still in the process of creating a new routine, but the first couple weeks of class have been pretty good.

Withered Hands and Souls

2012-01-22T22:40:00.001-05:00

The other day I was having one of those hot mess kinda days. You know, the day when all you seem to do is make one dumb decision after another. In my case, I was all over the spectrum of ridiculousness, and the train of herp-a-derp started the night before.

Fast forward to the next morning. As I hurriedly drove to work, I had two things on my mind: send that email as soon as I walked in the door and go to daily Mass.

I plopped into the chair, and as I was composing my email, I thought, maybe I shouldn't go to Mass today. After all, I had made some poor decisions and didn't think I should go to Mass. I was awful that day.

I put that thought temporarily out of my mind as I scurried down the hall to the chapel. In spite of my efforts, I was still a tad bit late.

Great, I thought. Another reason why I shouldn't be here. But it was too late for me to do anything about it. I couldn't really bring myself to walk up and leave, disturbing everybody yet again.

When it came time for his homily, Father Julius made a few funnies and then spoke about the importance and beauty of the Eucharist. It was a refreshing reminder of just how crucial and wonderful a gift it is to receive.

He also offered his reflection on that day's Gospel reading, which was about the man with the withered hand. He said something that I wasn't expecting and will never forget.

In his beautiful accent, Fr. Julius told us that, "You may not cure a withered hand, but you may help cure a withered soul."

I was blown away. That was something that I absolutely needed to hear. I mean, how much more honest and beautiful and amazing can that statement get? Jesus can cure withered hands and souls. We cannot literally cure a withered hand. But what we can do is help cure each other's withered souls. Because we've all got them. I was a shining example of one that day. And every day for that matter.

That night, with Fr. Julius' words still in my thoughts, I read my prayer/reflection, which was centered on the following:

Just as the living Father sent Me and I have life because of the Father, so whoever eats Me will live because of Me. -John 6:57

"The Holy Eucharist is a fire that purifies and consumes all our miseries and imperfections. Do everything in your power to make yourself worthy of the Eucharist, and this Divine Fire will take care of the rest." -St. Hyacinth of Mariscotti

At Mass, I felt the power behind these words: Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.

Oh how unworthy I was...and am.

But oh how beautiful it is to be consumed by the Eucharist, to be cleansed of imperfections, to be loved by God, to help one another cure withered souls.

A Sandwich

2012-01-15T22:47:00.000-05:00

Today, I bought lunch for a homeless man.

I almost didn't though. I got stopped at a busy intersection for what felt like a lifetime, and I could see him out of my peripheral vision. But I couldn't bring myself to look at him, to make eye contact. I remember dumbly trying to hurry up the traffic by wishing that the cars would go faster. Once I was able, I drove past him believing that I could stop thinking about him. I was wrong. Oh how wrong I was.

Immediately, I had this indescribable feeling, this compulsion to do something. What I felt called to do was more than just uttering a prayer for this man. But I was afraid of the unknown. I've never done something like that before. I don't think I've ever really been listening to God in such a way, being so vulnerable and open to what He asked of me.

Seconds after, this line was so beautifully sung to me through the speakers, "But you are not alone in this." Once I heard that, it hit me. Even though I was afraid of the unknown, I wasn't alone and neither was that man sitting by himself, asking for food.

I went to the nearest Subway and got a sandwich and chips. I drove back, but before I walked the food over, I pulled out a little prayer card/icon of St. Timothy, which my friend had just given me on Friday. I placed the card in the bag with the food, and I walked over to the man. We startled each other, then smiled. He shyly said thank you, and I cheerily said no problem. Have a good day.

And I meant it. From the bottom of my heart, I wanted him to have a good day. I wish I could've said something more meaningful or beautiful, but at the time, that was all I could think to say.

I drove away, and in the time between my first "listening experience" and re-entering the car, the CD I was listening to had changed songs. As I left the man behind in my rear view mirror, I heard:

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die.
And where you invest your love, you invest your life.

And I wept.

Not because I was sad, but because I had listened. Because I opened my heart up, and received such grace and love that I had never imagined was possible.

Today's first reading is from the first book of Samuel. Needless to say, I'm glad I went to Mass this morning. If I hadn't heard this, I don't know how attuned I would've been to listening to God today. Or any day.

Samuel was sleeping in the temple of the LORD
where the ark of God was.
The LORD called to Samuel, who answered, "Here I am."
Samuel ran to Eli and said, "Here I am. You called me."
"I did not call you, " Eli said. "Go back to sleep."
So he went back to sleep.
Again the LORD called Samuel, who rose and went to Eli.
"Here I am, " he said. "You called me."
But Eli answered, "I did not call you, my son. Go back to sleep."

At that time Samuel was not familiar with the LORD,
because the LORD had not revealed anything to him as yet.
The LORD called Samuel again, for the third time.
Getting up and going to Eli, he said, "Here I am. You called me."
Then Eli understood that the LORD was calling the youth.
So he said to Samuel, "Go to sleep, and if you are called, reply,
Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening."
When Samuel went to sleep in his place,
the LORD came and revealed his presence,
calling out as before, "Samuel, Samuel!"
Samuel answered, "Speak, for your servant is listening."

Samuel grew up, and the LORD was with him,
not permitting any word of his to be without effect.

I almost didn't buy a sandwich today, but I'm glad that I did. I almost didn't listen today, but I'm glad that I did.

Speak Lord, for you servant is listening. Finally.

They actually sing the verses that I mentioned earlier in French instead of English, but according to one youtube user, these are the French lyrics:
Dans ces corps, nous vivons (In these bodies we will live)
Dans ces corps, nous mourons (In these bodies we will die)
Où tu mets ton amour, tu mets ta vie (Where you invest your love, you invest your life)
Reveille mon âme (Awake my soul)

Either way, it's too beautiful not to share.

How Catholic Are You?

2012-01-09T18:18:00.001-05:00

Last night, a new acquaintance of mine asked, "So how Catholic are you?"

I chuckled at the silliness of the question. I mean, what kind of question is that? Or better yet, how does one answer that?

Because this person started to zone out as soon as he finished talking, I never really got the chance to answer, but here's what I started to say:

"Well, two of my best friends are priests, and I'm going to a concert with them Friday night along with a deacon whom I work with. We're also going with the former Chair of the Parish Pastoral Council for my home parish, and my friend (who's-a-sista-from-anotha-mutha) who happens to be a student at the University of Notre Dame."

Note that I said "home parish"...because I'm so Catholic that I go to two parishes. My bi-locating abilities are a product of geography: I live 4 miles away from the cathedral, and St. Thomas is 25 miles away from my apartment. So whichever parish I'm scheduled to be at for whatever liturgical ministry (of the 3 ministries that I'm a part of) decides which church pew I'll be sitting in. And let's be honest, sometimes I don't want to wake up earlier than needed to drive back to Lenoir City if I'm not "supposed to be there." And when you're a college kid living off of minimum wage, gas is a precious commodity that's more valuable than food if you're a commuting student like me.

I'm also an intern at the Chancery for the Diocese of Knoxville. I'm a godmother to my baby cousins and my friend, who is like my little brother, Diego. I love incense and literally jump and squeal with glee when I find out that we'll be using it during Mass. Oh and I love going to Mass.

I also just love God. A lot.

A Few Things

2012-01-02T00:43:00.001-05:00

I just had a million things running through my head, so I thought I'd write some of them down. So this is part resolution list and part whatever.

1. Smile more. My most recently acquired nickname is Smiley. It originated from being part of the "giggle girls" (the 3 interns), but the point is, I laugh and smile a lot. Apparently more than I thought. I think I'll keep that up. In fact, during Mass this morning I realized that my smile is a gift from God, and He wants me to use it. So I will!

2. I'd seriously like to get in better shape. Everyone looks at me funny when I say that, but really, just because you consider me small/skinny/slender/flaca doesn't mean that I'm in great shape. Ideally, I'd like to be healthy and fit enough to make my pipe-dream pilgrimage/hike that I could do this summer but most likely won't. If nothing else, I can meander around the Smokies more efficiently.

3. I find that I rather enjoy learning and being knowledgeable. Take this morning for instance. Dad, Ape, and I were watching a local sports talk show, and for whatever reason the host decided to incorporate the end of the Mayan calendar. He asked if the likelihood of the Mayans being right was more probable than the Vols winning some conference title. If the Mayans are right, he said, then the world ends on December 23. But the three of us felt pretty sure (and I looked it up right after he misspoke) that the calender ends on December 21. Strike one!

This poor fella went on to say that if only those Mayans saw Cortes coming with smallpox...blah blah blah. I laughed because the host was so wrong! Hernan Cortes never made contact with the Mayans...he made contact with and caused the downfall of the Aztecs. Strike two!

I heehawed, but then I later became thoughtful and thankful for my education. Not that this man wasn't (I mean, he knows more about UT athletics than I ever will), but come on, two strikes within 30 seconds...

4. I have a blog. I should use it more. Writing here is cathartic.

5. Eagerly, ridiculously, unashamedly, I wait for Mumford & Sons to release their next album.

6. Eagerly, ridiculously, unashamedly, I hope that several artists/bands that I love will make appearances within a 200 mile radius this year.

7. Love. Be God's light for others. Be the face of Jesus. Stumble but get right back up...and ask for help when I find that I can't do it alone.

Word. Happy New Year folks!

Learning from San Juan de la Cruz

2011-12-21T23:03:00.001-05:00

In tribulations, turn to God with confidence. You will obtain strength, light, and knowledge. In joys and successes, turn to God with fear and sincerity. You will escape all snares and be free of everything false. - St. John of the Cross

...or as I like to say San Juan de la Cruz, 'cause he is from Spain you know!

I'm slowly discovering more about him, and I have to say, I like him. A lot. Very inspiring.

Where Love is, There is God

2011-12-19T21:13:00.000-05:00

"This last week of Advent, I would like to invite you to take some more time to enter deeply into Christ and meditate on the Holy Family with the help of the rosary. Try to find Jesus in your own family, and even bring him there by love. For where love is, there is God. And God knows that where you have the deepest love, you have the deepest sorrows. For we all offend one another by our failures in love." - Father Antonio Giraldo

Though I wasn't actually at St. Thomas for his homily (I was scheduled to be a Eucharistic Minister at the 7:30am Mass at the cathedral), I was able to listen to it online. I'm really happy that I was able to.

Fr. Antonio said some rather beautiful, important things that I needed to hear. I'm not in a sharing kind of mood, but suffice to say that I have been dealt a funky set of cards and carry crosses that have become incredibly heavy.

If you've got the time, listen to the rest of the homily.

p.s. How many college kids do you know that go to 7:30am Mass? This is a statistic that I'm most interested in finding...

A Happy Kind of Sad

2011-12-12T23:52:00.000-05:00

Ha, funny that I'm learning and questioning and thinking a lot these days...and I'm not even in school no mo', at least for the next month.

I think that I've maybe referenced "happy sad" before, perhaps not. But, just within the past week, I've learned more about it. I've lately been thinking of my departed dogs, Duke and Rocky. It was especially poignant when I was driving to the barn the other day when the realization hit that I was driving past the same exit that would take me to the same emergency vet hospital that we took our dogs to, to be put down. That was an awfully long sentence.

I was happily singing along to some song, when I looked up at the sign as I rounded the familiar curve. I thought, you know, if you were going in the opposite direction, you'd be heading straight for the animal hospital.

I stopped singing as I choked back tears.

I really miss my dogs. This Christmas will also be the first one without Rocky.

I went home on Saturday to help decorate the tree as well as a few other odds and ends. As I was going through the stockings to hang them up, I came across Duke's and Rocky's. I didn't know what to do with them. My sister and I decided to hang them up as we frowned at each other.

Then today, a friend shared this cartoon on facebook. It made me sad at first, but then I realized, I was more happy than anything, 'cause it's true. So there you have it, happy sad.

Also, yesterday's reflection still puzzles me.

"No man should seek his own good but rather the good of others." - 1 Corinthians 10:24

"The law of love obliges us to love what is good for us. But it also obliges us to love what is good for our neighbor." - St. Francis de Sales

What does that even mean??? I mean, I know on the surface-level what they're saying, but I was left with a nagging question.

At what point does seeking the good of others impede your well-being, your relationships with others and even with God? How do you love others and love yourself, without doing harm to both them and you?

I'm Just A Lost Kid

2011-12-03T00:05:00.001-05:00

So, I'm trying this new blogger interface out...so if stuff looks dumb, well, it's still my fault because it all looks new to me here in the back-end of the site. If I'm trying to be funny, I'd say it's all Greek to me, but my roommate is taking Greek for her foreign language...and even this new blogger stuff still kinda looks like English. Anyway, there's a learning curve somewhere!

I have been struggling a lot lately with many things, but the one thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is that of post-undergrad life.

I know I've already touched on this before, but the last few weeks yet again have provided me many opportunities, conversations, and thoughts to freak out about life.

Part of my problem is that I keep comparing myself to others. Another problem is that I attribute things to people that may not actually be true. For example, that person looks like they have it all together so then they must have it all together. "In reality, nobody does!" my friend said to me.

I just think other people do because I feel like I don't.

And it's maddening.

I don't believe in the gifts and abilities God has given me. At least, I recognize some of them but I don't act. In constantly underestimating myself, what am I saying to God? "Pppbbbttt, gifts? What gifts? I can't do this." That's what I'm saying. I don't have faith in my own abilities, and I struggle with letting go of my fears and trying to control things and to just let God lead.

Really, overall I'd summarize my current state like this: I feel lost, like I'm wandering around.

I don't want to keep feeling that way. So I guess the first step in the process of finding some semblance of peace, of finding the way back to complete and unwavering trust in God is to admit that, yes, I do have a problem. (No recovering anything-addict jabs intended. My problem is a problem too).

So what's next God?

And, am I really ready for whatever that is?

......yes. I'm terrified.

Good start, right?

My friend and I discovered the other day that we both struggle with listening to God. It was a beautiful thing when we both realized that at that moment in time, God was using the both of us to help each other out. I haven't talked to him in such a long time, and he had been on my mind recently. Turns out it was for a plethora of goodness and discovery!

Obviously, God knows how to reach me. I just don't know how to listen. But that conversation with my friend and listening to some really awesome lyrics just opened my eyes (and ears). It has also started to help me open my heart up, one teensy bit at a time.

Thanks be to you, God, for my friend and for "Lost Kid" by The Apache Relay. It accurately sums up the current me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just a lost kid,
stumbling through these towns,
stuck in between the waves.
Nothing feels the same.

I need an anchor that never lets go,
I need someone to call, to hear a voice I know.
Something that feels like home.
Something that feels like home.

All my life, all my life, all my life I've been waiting for You
All my life, all my life, all my life I've been waiting for You

I've been searching all of my days, looking for any signs, reading between the lines, hoping for anything.

I've been living in this tension, I just pretend I'm fine, that everything's ok, but I'm about to break.
Yeah I'm about to break

All my life, all my life, all my life I've been waiting for You
All my life, all my life, all my life I've been waiting for You
All my life, all my life, all my life I've been waiting for You
All my life, all my life, all my life I've been waiting for You

The Apache Relay - Lost Kid from Live & Breathing on Vimeo.

Thank You's

2011-11-29T17:38:00.000-05:00

Dear God,

Thank you for Velveeta mac and cheese.

Thank you for the end of classes today. I know that I still have finals, but today is a momentous milestone.

Thank you for my 21st birthday, which, for my few but beloved readers, was November 20. It was most excellent.

Thank for today's celebratory outfit of comfy shirt, sweatpants, Christmas socks, and wickedly cool patterned underwear.

Thank you for finding new music. Though it may not have actually been recently released, it's still awesome and wonderful to find it.

And lastly, thank you for a new translation of the Mass. I'll admit, I wasn't too excited about it, but after having to really be aware of what I'm saying and praying, I'm thankful for the change. It's nice to have to wake up.

Amen.

*Dear readers, if you're still there that is, sorry I don't ever write anything anymore. I wish I could say it's because I have no time. While there is some truth to that statement, it is also due in large part to big ol' helping of the lazies!

Fuddy Dud

2011-11-16T00:13:00.001-05:00

I was reminded by a wonderful person and roommate that I hadn't blogged in awhile. Naturally, a story Megan told me the other day makes for perfect blog material. We'll skip the story and get straight to the point:

For the record, I'm not a stick in the mud!

I mean, I'll be the first to admit, I used to be one. Though, I wouldn't trade the things/events/people/situations/whatevers from my past that have apparently made some (if not a good majority of my graduating class) think that I'm a stick in the mud, uber goody two shoes.

Well, whether or not they'll ever read this, I don't think that I am one, anymore.

I frequently (probably more than I should...) use curse words. I drive way over the speed limit. I've had a few stereotypical college experiences (hey hey now, not that crazy...I am still kind of a goody two shoes). I shirk responsibilities. Also, I don't have everything together like everyone thinks or thought I would. I think and sometimes say mean things about people. I have a sense of humor and can laugh at the corniest of jokes to the raunchiest of them all. I have fun. I laugh. I break rules. I go to bed at awful hours. I'M NOT PERFECT, nor should I be the poster child for perfection.

For some reason, I was a little sad when Megan recounted the "...wait what? Ashley isn't a fuddy dud?" story. But then I thought, why am I sort of sad? Some of the things I've listed above may not make me a stick in the mud per se, but they certainly don't make me a better person.

So, then what? Who am I?

I guess I've discovered that I'm still in the process of trying to figure out who I am. Who I'm supposed to be. But then, isn't that sort of thing a process and experience that lasts your entire life? I don't know.

What I do know is that I'd rather be the person God wants me to be instead of the person that society thinks I should be (or, in light of the story, thought I was). Not that sticks in the mud are bad or aren't fun, but you know what I mean? I hope so, 'cause I can't explain it.

For now, I guess I'll be a way-less-than-perfect, rule breaking fuddy dud who loves Jesus.

Also, in preparation for my rapidly approaching 21st birthday, another friend of mine, lovely Sarah, created a Facebook event titled, "Ashley Siferd is finally LEGAL!" She really made me smile.

I guess if anything could tie it all together, it would be the discovery of a new song, just days before Megan told me her story. It's actually pretty legit and applicable to so many things. My favorite lines, so far:

So I pointed my fingers, and shout a few quotes I knew
As if something that's written should be taken as true

Yes! Though, for my particular story this evening, I would go a step further and apply the spoken word rather than the written word.

"When My Time Comes" by Dawes

Predictability for the Win!

2011-11-02T21:09:00.001-04:00

If nothing else, college students are for the most part predictable.

Take for example, this post. Predictably, when I should be studying for my exam tomorrow, I'm here writing this and listening to youtube videos of Mumford & Sons, The Civil Wars, Carolina Chocolate Drops, plus a hodge-podge of other artists/bands. Also, I repeatedly check Facebook like something is going to change. OH! A notification! Hooray!

Really, all I wanted to convey was that if I have learned anything from college and life so far, it is that a degree of predictability is good. At least for me it is. Last Friday my 9:05 discussion was canceled, and I had at least one week's worth of notice. So I presented myself with an idea...how about, let's not go to campus early for no reason. Because of the cancellation I would only have my 12:20 class.

Reason after reason to not go to campus early kept piling on, namely the fact that I hadn't had a chance to sleep in at all the last week.

So then I compiled a pro/con list of my idea. I knew Friday's forecast...and for college students, especially commuters, it spelled a mild form of doom. Not full blown doom, just a mild version. It wasn't really supposed to get above 40 AND it was supposed to rain all day. Add to the recipe for "awesome" that it was going to be Friday + our football team is doing awful this year (don't ask why that factors in, I don't even know) + hell, we're college students and we don't like to go to class on Fridays and you get...

The perfect storm.

So I set my alarm for way later than usual Friday morning. I got up, leisurely showered, and I ate biscuits and bacon while I watched the Golden Girls. (The fact that I ate a hot meal that didn't consist of poptarts is a feat in itself). Unlike most of my collegiate peers, I gleefully trotted off to the car and happily but carefully drove through the wet to school. And whaddaya know?

The parking lot I use on Fridays was only 1/3 full! If that! It's safe to say that I'm counting that spectacular moment as one of the greatest days of my life. So proud of being able to cook up that recipe.

Though I do know that pride cometh before the fall, so I will be sure to carefully consider this decision should the opportunity arise again.

I will say that as much as I do enjoy predictability, it certainly does get old and boring. Especially if whatever is predictable is not healthy, bad for you, not entertaining, etc. So don't let it fool you!

And now, if you'd like, you can watch/listen to some awesome.

"Captain" by Abigail Washburn and The Sparrow Quartet

"Corn and Beans" by Carolina Chocolate Drops

"Barton Hollow" by The Civil Wars

"Beneath the Piano" by Devil Makes Three

"Feel the Tide" by Mumford & Sons

Though I do love alphabetizing things, for the record, I did not alphabetize the videos on purpose. It honestly happened by accident, which is awesome.

Talk the Talk, Walk the Walk

2011-10-29T22:07:00.000-04:00

"Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or seen in me - put it into practice." -Philippians 4:9

Though the draft for this post is a few weeks old, I wholeheartedly believe that it is applicable to every single day. For whatever reason the day of this idea's inception, I struggled with "practicing what I preach", as the saying goes.

As you may well know, if you've been reading long enough, I tend to suffer from foot-in-mouth disease. Usually it's over silly little things that cause me embarrassment. There are those times though when my behaviors and actions and words don't reflect those of Christ. I am not being who God wants me to be.

The other day in Spanish we worked on translating proverbs, and one of them was something along the lines of, don't say anything if you can't say something good. Or whatever. But you get the idea.

Really, St. Ignatius of Antioch hit the nail on the head when he said, "It is better to say nothing and be a Christian than to speak and not be one. It is good to teach, if we practice what we preach." Rather than make a fool of myself, or worse yet make a mockery of the faith that I love so much, I should keep my mouth shut. In the same breath, I should apply the same thought to my actions.

I think we could all heed his words. Instead of just talking about things, why don't we actually do what we say we're gonna do? Instead of saying, "I love Jesus for x, y, and z...so should you!"...let's actually LOVE Jesus for being x, y, and z by ourselves being x, y, and z.

As I've heard often, be the face of Jesus to all you meet.

Then try using your words.

That Question...

2011-10-24T08:20:00.000-04:00

Lately I keep having this recurring conversation about my life. You know, hey, what do you want to do after college?

I used to know the answer. But now, I'm not so sure.

It's a little terrifying.

I came into college with some semblance of a plan. First I was a history interest because that's just what my summer advisor put me as. It wasn't a lie, but the first thing that came out of my mouth was something about being interested in being a teacher. There was no dialogue or exploratory conversation about other avenues.

Then I officially switched to geology a semester-ish later because being a volcanologist had always been a dream of mine. Plus, unlike my first advisor who cared nada, my professor actually conversed with me. Was encouraging.

Then I discovered that as much as I loved learning about volcanoes and the processes of the earth, geology just wasn't for me. It didn't feel right. But when I was a geology major, answering the question of "What do you want to do after college?" was much easier to answer.

Now I'm a communications major with a minor in Spanish. For some reason, this isn't clear cut for most. I know this is just a huge perceptive and attributional error, but I feel like some people think I'm not doing anything worthwhile because of my major. People, like always, ask me what I want to do. Rather than freak out and have a meltdown in front of them, I just say that I don't know. I tell them the truth. This answer seems to pacify some, but does it really?

I don't know. The point is, I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO. Anymore. And it sucks. A lot of my friends have really great and wonderful ideas and plans that are already set in motion. Social work here, clinical psychologist there, accountant here. Grad school after undergrad. I'm so happy and proud of each of them.

And then there's Ashley. The comm studies major who likes to learn Spanish but complains about it a lot. I have no plans for grad school right now because frankly, it doesn't make one lick of sense to go to grad school if I don't know what for. In the back of my mind, I also think that part of my problem is that I feel some sick, weird urge to fulfill my high school superlative of being voted "Most Likely to Succeed." But success is measured differently by everybody...I feel that maybe my definition might not be the same as most.

Really, all I want to do is help people. That answer seems easy enough for me, at the moment. It isn't specific enough for most though. Why should I have to apologize for that? Or rather, why do I feel the need to apologize?

It's just mildly terrifying that I can't answer the question people ask me a lot these days.

...but perhaps I'm not supposed to know the answer quite yet.

Finally, A Hike

2011-10-14T23:41:00.000-04:00

I went hiking today.

It was an absolutely beautiful day. It was incredible. I can't even begin to describe just how awesome it was to be outside.

Initially the hike was rough due to an older hiking injury rearing its obnoxious head, but with the right companions, you can safely put your pain and discomfort behind you so that you can enjoy the journey. Though it did serve as a sobering wake up call that:

1) Need to do more hiking, stat. The last time I went on a hike was April 21, 2011. That's disgusting. Today is October 14.

2) Seriously should start exercising and take better care of myself.

Today was an amazingly wonderful day.

Thanks be to God for a fall that is actually behaving like fall should, for making new friends, and for the countless other blessings in my life.

Never Gonna Give You Up...

2011-10-10T21:26:00.000-04:00

It was more than fitting that the reading I was given to proclaim this weekend was this letter from Paul to the Philippians,

Brothers and sisters:
I know how to live in humble circumstances;
I know also how to live with abundance.
In every circumstance and in all things
I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry,
of living in abundance and of being in need.
I can do all things in him who strengthens me.
Still, it was kind of you to share in my distress.

My God will fully supply whatever you need,
in accord with his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
To our God and Father, glory forever and ever. Amen.

Normally, I spend a little time each day (the week before I read) going over the reading...not just practicing but also listening to what God may be saying to me.

This time, however, I needed only to read it to myself a few times and say it aloud once before the gravity of His message took root.

I didn't need a lot of time to understand this message, this lesson, because I have experienced it. I have lived and still live it and most likely will again in the future.

My understanding isn't just because I'm a college undergrad who supplements living off-campus with a mostly part-time, minimum wage job with the occasional babysitting gig. It isn't because I do not come from wealth. It just, is.

And I'm okay with that, strangely enough. Some days it's a hard pill to swallow, these humbling circumstances and going hungry days and being in need moments. Some days these things aren't mine, but sometimes they're close enough to me that they in effect become mine.

I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Yes, others share in my distress, but even more beautiful than that is the fact that with Christ, all things are possible. I am not alone. You are not alone, no matter how much you want to believe that you are. Because the riches given to us by Christ are not of this world, and those are the ones that really matter.

In addition to Sunday's reading, this tweet from @UnvirtuousAbbey really put it all in perspective, with a little help from Rick Astley of course:

"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you," saith the Lord.

Heehee!

If you've been reading and following long enough, you'll know that I love the joy of finding God in all things. Even in the timeless words of Rick Astley...hahahahaha. But seriously, this Sunday's reading spoke to me in a way that I haven't been spoken to in a long time. I guess there are just those days and those readings where God puts up a big, "HELLO I'M HERE" sign and you actually see it. Sometimes I feel that I don't do a good job of proclaiming the readings so that God can speak through me. This time though, I felt that I did because I realized that God was talking to me and through me simultaneously. If no one else but me was reached, well, at least God found the missing sheep. I miss a lot of obvious things you know.

God's never going to give you up, let you down, or desert you. Really.

Hasta luego.

p.s. I honestly am not trying to Rick-roll you. Promise...but if you have no idea who Rick Astley is or where the reference comes from, here you go.

Never-ending Hiatus!

2011-09-28T23:45:00.001-04:00

The hiatus never ends!

My fall break got off to a fun start yesterday afternoon. Fun as in, sarcastic! Perhaps I'll tell you the stories one day.

Right now, I'm being a big nerd. I created a huge, detailed study schedule for next week. You see, I have 4 exams, count 'em, 4 exams after fall break. Talk about a suckfest. Don't forget that verb quiz, oh and those 2 chapters you have to read for 2 different classes.

I'm currently in the stages of picking out/designing my possible spring semester schedule. We'll see how much of my hard work gets blown to pieces after I meet with my advisor. Hooray!

For now, I'm quite content to work on my take home mid-term exam while my roommate sits on my bed playing guitar. She's singing now too! And we're giggling about silly things, funny things, and amusing stuff.

I love her.

Peace out. See ya later. Here's to fall break!

Heeyooo!

2011-09-15T15:22:00.000-04:00

Hokai, so 5 things:

1. Yes, I'm still alive.

2. I have a serious backlog of posts that are in the various stages of the writing process. Maybe someday I will finish them? I could just churn and burn 'em (and by that I mean, finish & publish them), but the experiences they stem from mean an incredible amount to me. So hopefully with some better planning and less procrastination, I'll finish them.

3. Today in my World Civ lecture, we talked about Classical India and the formation of Buddhism. At the end of the lecture, my professor wanted to spend a little time discussing/comparing the founders of Buddhism and Christianity.

Aside from knowledge gained in the comparison of the two, what I really enjoyed was examining (just briefly so) Jesus Christ from a secular view. This was not a religion class. It was a history class. Naturally, the perspective was different.

And you know what? Despite what some of my collegiate uber-conservative Christian peers may think, this examination of Jesus not in the context of a religion class or Sunday school lesson was awesome. It was wonderful because I found myself saying, yes, I really like this guy. This Jesus, he's alright. Well, you know, he's more than that. His teachings are sharply focused. He called people out and associated himself with those considered to be outside of decent society.

4. Today the crazy anti-abortionist goons were on campus. Remember my swagga post on them? I haven't seen them yet this semester, though I know that they were here last week. Usually they only come once or twice throughout the entire semester. It would seem that they've grown some marbles, as this is at least their 2nd week and back-to-back no less!

I saw them from afar. I thanked God that today was a rainy and windy day because I brought my rain jacket. I put it on and pulled the hood up, letting it fall over my face. It created a kind of protective shell. I didn't want to see the display of bloody children and aborted fetuses. I don't need to see that. NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE THAT.

You see, I don't think that tactics or evangelization like that will stop women from having abortions or bring us idolatrous college students to Christ. You know, I'm sure there are faculty, staff, and students alike who have had miscarriages. How do you think they feel about those pictures? How do you think women who have had abortions feel about your vitriolic message? God doesn't hate! HE DOESN'T!

I peeked out of my protective sphere and immediately regretted it. I saw two pictures, and they were more than enough. I'm glad that the people who set up this display were all preoccupied with others because I actually wanted to talk to one of them. I wanted to learn why they think this particular display and message would be instrumental in bringing people to God and to ending abortion. Again, I'm glad they were all in conversation with someone else because as you know, I suffer from foot-in-mouth disease. I really wanted to say, go to hell bastards.

But that would have done nothing for those gathered around. I would have felt a brief moment of catharsis, and knowing myself, I would have regretted my mouth later. So kudos to God for keeping me moving along.

5. I caved and ordered a Mumford & Sons poster from eBay. After being "out there" for almost 3 weeks, it finally arrived. It doesn't look quite like I expected it to. Marcus' head is cut off more than it is in the original photo, and there's less space between Winston's feet and the border. That's okay though. This little lady is pretty happy just to finally have given the gents a proper place in her pantheon of awesome posters.

So I said 5 things. How about a bonus or two? :)

Mumford & Sons cover Neil Young's "Dance Dance Dance"

...aaaand here's an original, of course. If I had to pick one favorite song by Mumford & Sons, "Roll Away Your Stone" would take the crown.

A Letter: The Abridged Version

2011-09-01T07:14:00.000-04:00

Dear God,

I'm sorry that I'm annoying a lot of the time.

Thanks for loving me even when I don't love you back, whether purposefully or unintentionally.

You're pretty awesome.

Love,
Ashley

If I ever find the time to breath, let alone write, you'll hopefully get to read the longer, more in-depth version of this letter thing that I started writing when I should've been working on a Spanish paper.

Awesomesauce

2011-08-25T14:16:00.000-04:00

So, no time to write it all down, but....

LIFE IS AWESOME. God is great, friends are wonderful, classes are (still) fun and interesting, and music is just plain awesome.

Sorry for using awesome so many times. But when you've got lots of...awesome blessings to be thankful for, you just can't help but use the word.

Hasta luego, mis amigos!

Rocky

2011-08-18T23:33:00.000-04:00

So, a lot has happened within the past few days.

-I moved into my apartment on Saturday. I believe it's rather awesome. I'm living with a lovely lady that I've been friends with since 5th grade.

-Classes started on Wednesday. I'm learning how to be a commuter student, so hopefully I'll share those funny-ish stories as they happen. A few already have.

-For being such a big university in terms of the number of students as well as the size of the campus, I have been amazed at the number of awesome people and friends that I've come across the last two days. It is extremely easy to become just a number here at UT, so it is refreshing and reaffirming to the soul to run into people who just brighten your day by simply crossing paths with you. I've needed that.

You see, I started my fall semester on an incredibly difficult and sad note. My dog Rocky has been sick the past few weeks and after a vet visit that yielded little hope, he took a fast turn for the worse (worst? ...whatever). So Sunday morning I met my family at the emergency vet clinic. The same damn place that we took Duke exactly 18 months before to be put to sleep. But in my heart, for the few days before we even took Rocky to the vet, I just had this feeling that he was getting ready to leave. And then I found myself mentally and emotionally preparing for what that day would feel like.

And I felt terrible doing that. Is it okay to prepare like that? I don't know. It still sucks, preparation or none at all. The wound left from the loss of Duke healed (as much as such a thing can, anyway), but then it was opened anew with losing Rocky. Another part of this newly festering wound is how Charlie is handling it all. Seriously, this dog is not completely a dog but has distinctly childlike qualities. He mourned and moped around, and when I went home for a few hours one afternoon, he hardly ever left me alone. He's alone now and only has the cats to keep him company, which doesn't say too much haha.

I took him outside to play. There's something about our backyard that is uniquely Duke and distinctly Rocky. It was sad for a few minutes as I knew it would be, and then suddenly I began thinking of all the things that made my boys happy. These thoughts in turn made me happy. I smiled at the bee Charlie snapped at, the blades of grass he tried to eat, the dirt caked between his toes, the sun warming his back, the sticks he used in place of dog toys. In each instance, I saw both Duke and Rocky through Charlie. And though I am sad that the boys are gone, I am happy knowing that they lived. I am happy knowing that Charlie boy had a good teacher and big brother in Rocky, as Rocky did in Duke.

As my Grandpa said in the waiting room, "dog in the mirror spells God." I am so thankful for the time that God gave my family and me with one of his angels. We'll miss you Rocky, you "Big Dog", woolly mammoth, Chewbecca look & soundalike dog you.

He absolutely loved playing in the snow. Other than rooting around the dog food bowl and making a huge mess, snow was probably his favorite thing.

Rocky always chased after bees and wasps...and was stung several times.

He always hated getting his hair cut during the few summers when it became unbearably hot outside. Rocky as a clean-shaven dog was always a funny sight, but he wore it with pride, at least after the initial embarrassment wore off.

Cat Lady

2011-08-11T22:42:00.001-04:00

Let's face it...I'm most likely going to be a cat lady. Not the type of cat lady that ends up on animal cruelty tv shows and what not. I'll be the crazily fun lady with cats.

I guess I just really love them. Though I do love my dogs, they're my boys. But I'm being honest in saying that I'm definitely a cat person, so deal!

How can I not be after watching this (...several times...)?

Yay!

2011-08-03T23:18:00.000-04:00

So I have, like, no time for much outside of work and trying (note the word trying) to get stuff ready to move into my apartment and find, buy, and/or sell a piece of my soul to get textbooks for the semester.

But...the other day I was on campus because I was having dinner with two lovely friends that I don't see much of, and as I was walking to the University Center, I felt this wave of happiness. By that I mean, it felt good to be walking on campus again. Sure, I've only been out of class/away from academic life for almost a month, but the lull in having no class was incredibly rejuvenating.

So basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm a bit excited for the fall semester to start. Don't get too crazy now! I am relatively sure that it's your typical "first day of school" excitement. And boy, does the novelty of that wear off quickly in college. I can just imagine myself upon receiving the syllabi (?) for my classes, teehee.

Anyway, yay for school! Yay for new things! Yay for lots of other things and people!

The Cave

2011-07-25T22:53:00.002-04:00

This was a good song for me to hear. It's also a song that I hope others will hear. And not just hear, physically, but really hear it. Feel it. In a way that the words speak to you.

Or, rather that Someone speaks to you through this song.

Once again, Mumford & Sons eloquently sing what I can barely put together in thought.

"The Cave" -Mumford & Sons

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Because I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Because I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

And unfortunately, I can't get the video for this song to embed. So if you really want to make your day, in addition to making me happy, go here to listen to the song. Por favor.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

2011-07-24T23:36:00.001-04:00

It would appear that this summer I have accidentally stumbled upon this habit of not blogging a lot or with some degree of measurable frequency. And I like it. For awhile now, I've felt this strange need to have to write something every single day, and to be quite frank, that's impossible for me! Especially this summer.

So to continue with this state of infrequent blogging, I'm hopefully going to write a quick post. You see, I'm on a real vacation now. Though class ended a few weeks ago, I've been working every day since. Which is totally fine! But at the same time, I also just needed a chance to chill.

Literally, chill. Wake up without an alarm, stay in my jamjams until an almost ridiculous hour, lounge around on the couch, eat too much food...you know the drill. And I get to do all of this while simultaneously visiting my family up in Ohio. I haven't been here since summer 2009, so it is really wonderful being able to see them all. Oh and about eating too much food...earlier my Dad, step-mom, and I went out for breakfast. Dad and I ordered the same thing, and we both ate all of our food. Let me tell you, it was a lot. I mean, I ate the same amount of food as that of a grown man. Holy moly, I still can't believe I did. I was a little disgusted with myself actually. But hey, I sure can pack it away.
With this vacation, I also earned another pair of big girl panties. For the first time ever, I drove all 430ish miles from Lenoir City to Findlay, Ohio. The most Interstate driving that I've done alone before was maybe around 60 miles, but that was all in the state of Tennessee. The whole drive I kept thinking to myself, "Yes. You're really doing it! You, Ashley, are driving." With the exception of the mildly terrifying drive through a bad-a thunderstorm IN THE MIDDLE of Cincinnati, the entire drive was great. Only stopped twice and I made excellent time.

I'm also proud that I overcame my bad case of the Sunday-don't-go-to-Mass-lazies. Usually when I go on vacation anywhere, I often overlook the fact that it is Sunday. Oops! Didn't go to Mass. And a lot of the time, it is a purposeful oversight. In an attempt to circumvent the problem, last night I found out the Mass times for the church just down the road from my Dad's house. Though I almost let a case of the Mass lazies consume me, I did in fact go today! It wasn't in the morning, but then again, I haven't been to too many Sunday evening masses. So that was a nice change.

Though I did catch myself wondering if it was in fact the right decision. If that makes any sense. Though I was thankful for the chance to go to Mass, I felt rather disconnected today. I kept going in and out of paying attention and really struggled with being present. Perhaps it was the fact that the priest who celebrated tonight was the same one who presided during my Grandma's funeral 3 years ago. Maybe it was because I felt like their music oscillated between Mass of Creation parts/joyful-ish hymns and some funeral dirge sounding pieces...pick one or the other, don't do both. Perhaps it was the fact that their ushers for the evening were young teenage girls who wore Daisy Duke shorts. Don't get me wrong, the girls were extremely nice and knew exactly what they were doing, but I found the shorts a bit distracting.

Many things distracted me, but I too was part of the problem. So hopefully with this vacation and time spent with my family, I'll be able to find my center again. Recharge. Realign, what have you. Here's to being present, not just during Mass, but all of the time.

Catch Up!

2011-07-12T19:15:00.000-04:00

I meant to put these up a few days ago. I still have loads more horses to photograph because I haven't brought my camera with me to the barn for, I don't know, the last couple of months. Anyway, meet some of my new friends!

Shelton

Elvis

Shamrock

Ricky

Denver says no photographs, por favor.

Duchess likes to stick her entire head out of the hole. It's quite comical, especially when she yells at me when I walk down the barn aisle. She's one of many, actually, who start neighing and nickering when someone walks into the barn during "dinner time." It's one of my favorite sounds, a bunch of horses yelling at me.

Frankie (left) and Madden (right)

Eeyore! Love him.

Annie

Clover looks so much better now than she did when she first arrived!

Grace

This is Horse Haven's newest arrival...Lisa Marie. She's the cutest little filly ever and very independent. Loves loves loves to play and is incredibly curious. This little girl isn't afraid of too much.

And a shot of momma Reba and Lisa Marie

Freedom

2011-07-08T18:49:00.000-04:00

I came home from work today after having a rather horrifically gargantuan incident of terror, and that's putting it mildly. And comically.

Anyway, when I got back to the house, I fiddled around on the internet, checking this and that. I was also a bit tired and decided to take a catnap. When I woke up because emergency vehicle sirens went screaming by my window, I sat there and my mind started racing. What do I have to do? What do I need to get done today and this weekend, before Monday?

And you know what?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Yes! With the exception of a few minor yet regular weekend items, I don't have to do anything. For the first time since the first half of August 2009, I have a real summer break. Albeit, my break started later than most of my friends, but that was because I decided to take summer classes for 2 summers in a row. Class ended on Wednesday, and it ended happily and awesomely. I don't go back until August 17.

So I now know what freedom feels like again! No more school...for a month! I've had a whirlwind of a time these past 2-3ish weeks. Some parts were exhausting, amusing, hilarious, terrifying, sad, stressful, and character building. But I think I rather enjoyed myself once I look back at the big picture.

Just Thinkin'

2011-06-27T23:11:00.000-04:00

For some reason over the past few days, and in particular today, I've been thinking of my Grandma and my dog Duke. But they are happy thoughts.

I guess you could say that I'm at a stage when things that trigger my grief don't trigger an onslaught of sadness and tears. They in fact bring out smiles and warm feelings. I'm sure there will be days when that's not the case, but s'all good for now.

I miss you. I love you.

Mistakes into Gold

2011-06-21T17:25:00.001-04:00

Lately it would seem that I have developed this habit of thinking a lot about what I wanted or should have said, after the fact. When it's too late to do anything about it!

Does that make any sense? I've really only had this problem after some of my speeches for class, but there have also been a few times that I've run into this problem when I've just been having normal conversations with people. For some reason, way after the speech or conversation, I'll still mull over everything that I said.

Then I start to see holes and gaps that I know I could fill in right now. Why couldn't I have said this? Why didn't I say that? Or, man I really wish I would have said that. Literally, I kid you not, I'll spend much more time than is necessary (or even healthy, I'm sure) thinking about the stuff I could have filled the holes/gaps with. It's a problem. What's wrong with me?!

The last time I had a bad case of "oops, shoulda said X", I was getting ready for bed, trying not to think about what I should've said. As I plopped down onto my bed, I started to sing one of my favorite songs, "Rise" by Eddie Vedder. It's from the Into the Wild soundtrack, and it is also my phone alarm...it's the loudest quiet song (if that makes any sense, it's not obnoxious loud) that I wake up to every morning. Anyway, this stood out to me: Gonna rise up/Turning mistakes into gold.

I was reminded that tomorrow is a new day, and I can choose to rise up and make it better. I have the opportunity to turn my mistakes into gold.

Now, perhaps my shoulda coulda woulda moments weren't mistakes, but at those particular times, I felt like they were. Maybe they really were, but more than likely they were not.

I definitely think that I'm doing better with not worrying or thinking about the what-ifs too much. Yesterday I gave my biggest speech so far this semester, and afterward, I didn't have any thoughts about what I could or should have said. That may in part be due to the fact that it was a well-outlined, semi-rehearsed speech. But the point is, I didn't let the monster in.

I like rising up and turning mistakes into gold. It feels awesome.

Hooray for Pentecost!

2011-06-12T20:21:00.002-04:00

It is not true that some human beings are by nature superior and others inferior. All human beings are equal in their natural dignity. -Blessed Pope John XXIII

1 Corinthians 12:3b-7, 12-13
Brothers and sisters:
No one can say, “Jesus is Lord,” except by the Holy Spirit.

There are different kinds of spiritual gifts but the same Spirit; there are different forms of service but the same Lord; there are different workings but the same God who produces all of them in everyone.
To each individual the manifestation of the Spirit is given for some benefit.

As a body is one though it has many parts, and all the parts of the body, though many, are one body, so also Christ. For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body, whether Jews or Greeks, slaves or free persons, and we were all given to drink of one Spirit.

Hooray for Pentecost! Happy birthday to the Church! Today I was reminded that no matter how different we may be from each other, we are all united in Christ. Today God awakes our souls so let us no longer hide behind locked doors, for we have received the most awesome gift of the Holy Spirit. In fact, we are filled with it! Let's not squander the many beautiful gifts we have received on petty things and situations.

We learn in today's readings not to hold on to grudges and the sins that others committed against us. Though I will say that I struggle with letting go, but when I do, it is a truly wonderful feeling. Holding onto those things really doesn't get us anywhere. Forgive, as hard as it may be at times. And in the same breath (ha--breath, get it?), let's not allow differences to prevent us from loving our brothers and sisters.

Let's renew the face of the earth, one loving act at a time.

Walk Slow

2011-06-08T21:15:00.003-04:00

Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore, seek not to understand that you may believe--but believe that you may understand. -St. Augustine

I walk fast. My natural gait is not an ambling one. I'm a mover. For someone of my height (which is short, mind you), I've got long-ish legs. My sister used to yell and whine when we would walk home from the bus stop because I would quickly outpace her. "Slow down! You walk too fast!"

In the 5th grade, my school held a fundraiser in which the students and teachers participated. You raised money from your sponsors for every lap you went around the blue track. I distinctly remember my friends repeatedly asking me to slow down because I was walking too fast. "Ashley must be a power walker or something."

My brief middle school stint in track and field had me run the 800 meter and 4x800meter relay, and I was actually pretty good there for awhile. I wasn't a sprinter, but I sure as heck couldn't do the 1600m and whatever else was super long, the half-mile was my thing. Good times.

I remember in middle school and for the early part of high school, I always imagined what my future would be like. I would daydream different scenarios. Those scenarios usually were about college and related years. But then, when I would arrive to that next chunk of time/transition point, I would pine for the days of old.

Now though, instead of dreaming about it, I'm actually living it. Not that any of my ideas came true (did they? I'll have to think about that), but you get the idea. I went from fiction to reality. I look back and think, wow, that school year went by really quick. Was I really in middle school that long ago? High school? Funny that during a school year or even just one semester, I find myself way too excitedly checking off days on the syllabus as I plow through the semester. I want it over now! During, it takes forever. After, it feels like nothing much went on, and I'm left with proof that the semester actually happened because I have graded exams and papers.

Sometimes, I feel that life moves too fast. But when I really get down to it, the earth isn't moving any faster. I am the one who is going too fast. There are days or even weeks where I don't slow down. I just go, go, go. Being from a culture where time has to be measurable and where it is something to have, to share, to waste, to whatever...that only compounds this feeling of moving too fast.

I came across the aforementioned St. Augustine quote, and in conjunction with a few lines from...you guessed it...a new Mumford & Sons song that I discovered literally by accident the other day, I have come to realize that I do go through life too fast sometimes. I don't see.

In order to understand, to process, to be present, to see, I must slow down. If I walk too fast, I try to understand and then believe...when it should really be the other way around as St. Augustine pointed out. It's hard though, for me at least, to believe when I'm moving too fast. So I need to walk slower in order to believe so that I may understand.

But my humanness makes it difficult sometimes to just stop and slow down, and I need help to get me where I am supposed to be. I need to live my life for God and for no other, including that pesky little thing called time, which we humans think can be bottled up and put into a clock.

The song in which I discovered that "understanding = walking slow(er)" deals with a different subject matter all together, but I don't really care. Particular stanzas just speak to me! Listen to the song here, por favor. It's great.

From "Lover's Eyes" by Mumford & Sons:

And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow
Take my hand, help me on my way.
And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow
Take my hand, I'll be on my way.

And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow
Take my hand, help me on my way.
And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow
Take my hand, I'll be on my way.

Take my hand, Lord, help me on my way.

Help us slow down so that we may believe and then understand.

Amalgam

2011-06-03T22:29:00.002-04:00

Amalgam is my new favorite word, so I had to use it somewhere in here. It is really just going to be a list of random things that I want to tell the world, so amalgam is a fitting word for the post.

As I write this, I'm listening to my "My Grass is Blue" playlist. It really isn't all bluegrass music but rather a combination of bluegrass, Americana, and folk rock. However, since most every song in this list has a banjo and/or mandolin involved, I'm sticking with the title. Plus, it's an awesome name for a playlist. In the past, I've mentioned that I truly love a little bit of every musical genre, but in particular, bluegrass/Americana/folk rock and classical/movie score both hold special places in my heart. I thought I could refrain from linking up to a Youtube video...

Surprise! It's another song by Mumford & Sons. If you're sick of hearing me talk about them or if you just don't like them, I really am sorry. But I just can't help myself. God I love them. Thanks be to God for them!

I'm quite enjoying life at this particular moment in time. It isn't perfect, but life never is! I've just had an excellent couple of days. My mini-term Spanish class ended, and I feel relatively okay with my effort. I won't know my grade until next Friday. What I do know is that if I can avoid it, I will never take a mini-term class again! I love Spanish, but 3 hours a day of any class will probably put me over the edge. Though I already miss my Spanish class family. Nos llevamos bien.

My first session summer class started. I'm not as deathly afraid of this class or public speaking as I was last semester before my first speech/public speaking class. Experience does help! Plus, the professor is seriously, legit awesome.

By the grace of God I was able to find a place to live in Knoxville during the summer. Since both of my classes were/are everyday, commuting just didn't make sense to me if I had the alternative of staying in Knoxville. When my original plans fell through, I randomly (or, not really random...more like a bump on the noggin from God) thought to ask my best friend Katie Ann if the Tyson House would let me live there over the summer. For some reason, I didn't consider it at first, but I'm grateful for the reminder! Tyson House is the Episcopal-Lutheran Campus Ministry at UT. It's a really wonderful place and ministry, so you should check them out here! Since Katie Ann is a camp counselor over the summer, she is letting me stay in her room. Bless her, she's a lovely and wonderful friend.

One of the things I love about Tyson House is that the wood floors are really creaky. The noise that wooden floors make (you know, that classic/old house sounding sound) is one of my favorite noises, period. I get to hear it everyday now!

I literally just started my new job (uh, internship, according to one person...) at the Chancery for the Diocese of Knoxville. I've always loved the building and the atmosphere when I would come by for whatever reason in the past, but now, I actually get to be a part of that environment. It's really awesome. I find it incredibly cool that I work just down the hall from some nuns and Bishop Stika! The little Catholic nerd in me is essentially acting like your typical child or child-like adult would at a theme park. I'm like a Christmas tree, all lit up and everything.

Even though I am insanely exhausted from the past few days, I'm strangely euphoric and happy. I've made it through the past 2 days with maybe 5 hours of sleep for each day, and I haven't done that in a long time. So naturally, I'm really tired. I didn't think I was going to make it out of the shower this morning. Miraculously I made it through work, but I almost fell asleep right before I had to leave for class. Somehow I survived class, and I was looking forward to a long overdue nap afterward. That changed when my friend and future roommate, Megan, asked if I wanted to go to dinner with Elizabeth, who was one of my first friends that I made when my family moved to Tennessee way back in 2001. I haven't seen her in forever, so it was really nice hanging out and talking and eating lots of great food. Though I'm pretty positive that half of what I said after 4:45 (the end of class) made absolutely no sense, it was a good evening.

I stayed up way too late and woke up way earlier than usual the past two days. Add that to really no wiggle room (or nap time!) while I transition from one class to another and learn the ropes at the DoK, I'm one exhausted yet amusing-to-listen-to little girl.

I drank a can of Coke and 1.5 big cups of Mountain Dew today. Didn't do much for me.

Yeah, I'm that tired. So I say good night. I'm going to sleep for, like, a million hours.

Oh, and just so you know, there were several times throughout this post when I started to write words/phrases in Spanish instead of English. Is it safe to say that my mini-term class had some lasting effects?

It's going to be a swell summer.

Late Arrival

2011-05-29T23:18:00.000-04:00

I slept in late today and skipped my usual Mass. Instead I went to the 11:30a.m. and arrived late, on accident of course. The opening hymn was over as soon as I crossed the threshold, and Fr. Tom began his greeting just as I found a seat in the very last row. Though I will say that I really enjoyed the change in perspective from my usual seat.

Is it really all about location, location, location? Perhaps. Today, though, I felt that I paid attention a bit more and the readings stuck with me. They haven't for awhile, so that's surprising! More often than not, I tend to get distracted and accidentally zone out.

Today's readings were just perfect. I don't need to say anything else, really.

2nd Reading - 1 Peter 3:15-18

Beloved:
Sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts.
Always be ready to give an explanation
to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope,
but do it with gentleness and reverence,
keeping your conscience clear,
so that, when you are maligned,
those who defame your good conduct in Christ
may themselves be put to shame.
For it is better to suffer for doing good,
if that be the will of God, than for doing evil.
For Christ also suffered for sins once,
the righteous for the sake of the unrighteous,
that he might lead you to God.
Put to death in the flesh,
he was brought to life in the Spirit.

Gospel - John 14:15-21

Jesus said to his disciples:
“If you love me, you will keep my commandments.
And I will ask the Father,
and he will give you another Advocate to be with you always,
the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot accept,
because it neither sees nor knows him.
But you know him, because he remains with you,
and will be in you.
I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you.
In a little while the world will no longer see me,
but you will see me, because I live and you will live.
On that day you will realize that I am in my Father
and you are in me and I in you.
Whoever has my commandments and observes them
is the one who loves me.
And whoever loves me will be loved by my Father,
and I will love him and reveal myself to him.”

Some Semblance of An Understanding

2011-05-28T13:37:00.002-04:00

The other night, I went to bed after praying. It was a good, meaningful, fruit-bearing meeting. I heard and finally understood what I had been trying to soak up for quite some time now. My evening prayer started with this reflection:

"It has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should both believe in Him and suffer for Him." -Philippians 1:29

The greatness of our God must be tested by the desire we have for suffering for His sake...Bear the cross and do not make the cross bear you! -St. Philip Neri

And from here I was led to a new place of understanding. Within the past year, I have struggled with the concept and actual, physical nature of suffering. It manifests in various forms, and sometimes, it's a sneaky little thing. Sometimes, it is a garish brute that comes at you from straight ahead. I've asked myself and God, what is suffering's purpose?

I still don't have the answer, and I know I will never fully grasp what suffering is and why it is a part of the world. What I do know, however, is that it maybe sorta kinda is a necessary part of life.

Yes. Because without it, I feel like many people would think that because nothing was going wrong in their lives, they would feel no need to have a relationship with God. If life was perfect, we would still rejoice and be thankful of course...for the only thing that we would know - the good, material stuff, but I don't think we would rejoice and say thank you for the very reason that we should be thankful.

But if all of a sudden suffering existed in this pretend-world where everything worked and life was peachy, what would happen? When we think we need God, when we're in whatever crisis, that's when we would reach out. That's when we pray. That's when we say, oh hey God, could you help me out? If you felt that you didn't need God, would you make any effort to sustain your relationship? I'm afraid that many, perhaps even myself, would not feel the need to recognize God's presence. That's a scary thing to think. Perhaps because there is some truth in that statement.

Oftentimes I am guilty that when things are great and awesome, I at times forget to say thank you. In moments of suffering, I do reach out, with both arms and every cell in my body. But I shouldn't be conversing with God only when I feel that I need Him. I, you, we need to be constantly growing in faith and praying and nurturing our relationship with God...all the time.

We shouldn't do those things only when life sucks. We should be doing those things all of the time. When life is beautiful and wonderful, when the sun shines on your face and you receive the summer's first sunburn, when you make excellent grades and pass that test, when you score that sweet deal at the store, when you enjoy good food with your loved ones...rejoice and be thankful. Pray. Talk with God.

When your house is leveled by a natural disaster, when people go their separate ways for whatever reason, when physical pain becomes the rule instead of the exception, when you save every penny just to make sure you can get food on the table, when the million things that could go wrong in one day do...when life just really sucks big time...Pray. Be thankful for what you do have. Recognize the blessings that are around you, because they are there. Though it is at times really difficult to see, peace and love and goodness are there. We should rejoice always, and we should also make sure that we are thanking the right person...God. We don't need to turn objects and situations into idols. Thank the Creator, not the thing itself. And know that suffering doesn't have to be a characteristic but a state that you will pass through, periodically throughout our earthly life. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's my understanding that suffering ceases to exist once we leave this earth and join our Father in heaven.

I mean, would we really have learned anything if Jesus didn't suffer on the cross? Every year with the start of Holy Week, we hear the Passion. So we all know what happened. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't painless, physically or emotionally, for all those who loved Jesus and were present. Just as they suffered at the foot of His cross while Jesus was in agony, so too does God hurt when we hurt. He doesn't enjoy when we suffer. In fact, God knows what it feels like because Jesus himself was fully divine and fully human.

In my sufferings, yes, I reach out to God. Through them, I do learn more about myself and about my relationship with God, but I also grow more in my appreciation for everything that is in my life, good and bad. I may not understand why it all happens the way it does, but I'm not supposed to!

A Few Thoughts

2011-05-26T10:27:00.000-04:00

Keeping it short today...lots of Spanish homework and studying to do for this little lady!

A few days/short weeks ago, I talked with two of my friends, on separate occasions. Through our meandering conversations, we talked about what we're majoring in and what we think we want to do after graduation.

I still harbor some reservations when I answer because, well, I know myself and my often fickle tendencies. But, I am pretty positive that I won't be changing majors again. I'm pretty happy with communications and the possibility of minoring in Spanish.

After graduation, heck, even before that...I think I want to work with immigrants and refugees or work in the non-profit sector. If it's in the cards, at some point in my life I'd also like to volunteer for a year with Nuestros Pequeños Hermanos.

I'd also like to see Mumford & Sons live and then be best friends with all of the guys from the band. But that's a completely different dream...

I'm feeling quite cheery today, in spite of a looming oral quiz over the imperfect subjunctive that is sure to be loads of fun! Que tenga un buen día!

Say What?

2011-05-18T23:22:00.002-04:00

I've been taking my mini-term class for over a week now, and surprisingly, it isn't that bad. I mean, it isn't the most exciting thing I've ever done, but it has a little more than slightly exceeded my expectations. I kinda maybe sorta like it. Say what?

Upper level Spanish class for 3 hours a day every day does get a bit tiresome, but the way my professor teaches the class, most days it doesn't feel like I've been there for 3 hours. And to my initial surprise and joy, my classmates and I are quite chummy. I think it has something to do with our mutual bond of "part self loathing, part self-imposed insanity, part just-plain-we're-all-funny."

We all, for whatever reason, purposefully signed up for this 3 hours a day for 3 weeks, intensive, upper level Spanish class. All of those descriptive words basically sum up why most people look at me (or my class friends) with such amusing looks of pity and awe. I love it.

What's also interesting is campus life. I should actually say lack of campus life. There is literally no one else here! Most everyone cleared out by the last day of spring semester finals, which was May 10. Mini-term started the 11th, and the only people I see are: guys working on various road and campus building-related construction projects, UT staff and maintenance people, professors, and lethargic looking mini-term students. Some grad and undergrad students are here doing research as well, but for the most part, there is no one! It is so different. Campus is its own little ghost town.

That'll change come June when official summer classes start. Freshmen orientations and the like will probably start around then or sometime soon after, so campus will liven up a bit. But not that much.

Spring semester grades came out today. With the relatively new (and crappy) online system, you can't see any of your final grades until over a week after the last day of finals. The anticipation sucks. I made 3 A's and one A-. An A- isn't much fun because it drops your GPA. I don't know one student/friend on this campus who loves getting an A-. Just give me a B instead, seriously. Give me a few more hours though, and I'll stop lamenting. As my friend reminded me earlier, there's no use crying over spilled milk. Or grades that you can't do anything about.

So I leave you with a video that I accidentally came across just a few minutes ago. It is something actually worth getting a little teary-eyed over (if you're a mush pot like me). Be proud! I understood most of the Spanish without the help of subtitles.

Three Things

2011-05-10T10:13:00.001-04:00

I feel like the only things I ever talk about on this blog are horses, college, and Mumford & Sons. If you knew nothing else about me other than my love for horses and Mumford & Sons and my experiences at the University of Tennessee, I'd feel alright with the information you can glean from those three things.

This past Saturday at Horse Haven, we picked up and brought home 6 new horses. We usually don't go to the western end of the state, as in Memphis!, but it was a special situation. I'm so glad we were able to help. I happened to be at the barn when Elvis, Shelton, Grace(land), Duchess, Priscilla, and Reba arrived. They are all incredibly malnourished, but most of them are so friendly and just love people. As I was on my way out, I was asked to refill their water buckets...they were so thirsty that they drank most, if not all, of their water soon after they settled into their stalls. Duchess came up to me, nosing around. She is 7 months old, and she's freaking adorable! I love horses.

Next to Hans Zimmer, I don't think I've ever really loved a musician(s) as much as I do Mumford & Sons. My lovely friend and future roommate sent me a link the other day to a page that compiled "lesser known original, rare, and cover songs" by Mumford & Sons. It seriously made my day. The page did ease my sadness a bit. Funny story, at least to me when I think about that day...a few weeks ago I discovered that the guys would be coming to Asheville and Raleigh, NC and Atlanta for shows this summer. My discovery came too late, as all of the cheap tickets were sold out. But for a few weeks, I hoped and tried in vain that I would be able to go see them (for cheap, the tickets left on 3rd party sites run at least $80 now). Then one night, the cold reality that I would not see them this summer hit me. I literally pouted and moped around the rest of the day. I was so bummed that I willfully did chores without being asked.

Here's one of the songs from that super-awesome website.

My spring semester officially ends later today when I take my last final. When most of my friends and collegiate peers are rejoicing for the end of the semester and summertime, I really can't bring myself to their level of exultation. You see, I'm doing what I said I wasn't going to do ever again...I'm taking summer classes. My mini-term class, Spanish 300, starts tomorrow (Wednesday). It only goes for 15-16 days, and then it's over. On June 2, my 1st session summer class (Business/Professional Communication) starts. Because it is only half of the summer semester, I'll be done on July 6. Then I can have a break. In the mean time, though, this reflection was a nice reminder that I won't have to go it alone.

I can do all things in Him who gives me strength. -Phil 4:13

By myself I can do nothing, but in union with God I can do all things. Out of love for God, I want to do all things! -St. Vincent Palloti

I'll do my best to not let summer classes be a drag. I promise. Pray for my mind though, if it hasn't disappeared already. I'll see you in I-don't-know-how-many-days.

Take Em Away

2011-05-01T19:38:00.004-04:00

I found this song to be appropriate for finals week...

I also just love this song and the guys singing it. I mean, how much more awesome can you get on one stage? Old Crow Medicine Show and some of the guys from Mumford & Sons? I can't remember the name of the guy who walks onstage a few minutes into the song, never heard of him, but the point is...

That's a lot of awesome! I would love to see both bands play, but play together? Whew, don't get me started. I also love this picture because it is filled with some incredibly talented people (Old Crow Medicine Show, Mumford & Sons, Dave Rawlings, Gillian Welch, and John Paul Jones). I love music.

Until we meet again friends. While I'm busy moving out and doing finals, you should check out more videos with all the aforementioned bands/people. It'll make your day, I guarantee it. Made mine.

Life and Death

2011-04-27T09:50:00.000-04:00

"Life and Death" by Walt Whitman

The two old, simple problems ever intertwined,

Close home, elusive, present, baffled, grappled.

By each successive age insoluble, pass'd on.

To ours to-day--and we pass on the same.

"Comfort one another and build one another up, just as you are doing." -1 Thessalonians 5:11

If on any particular day we do nothing more than give a little joy to a neighbor, that day will not be wasted. For we have succeeded in giving comfort to an immortal soul. -Blessed Contardo Ferrini

For all the faithful departed, and for those who desire to one day enter into the Kingdom, we pray to the Lord.

Living Stations of the Cross

2011-04-22T23:04:00.000-04:00

This post is a bit later than I would've liked, but better late than never. At St. Thomas (the home parish for me), the Friday before Palm Sunday is always the night that the youth group does the living stations of the cross.

I've been fortunate to have been a part of this prayerful production. This year, as well as in years past, I was also the photographer. I don't think I have much photography skill, but I'm happy to oblige.

As always, the youth do a wonderful job. I believe I'm visually oriented, so praying the stations with a real-life picture in front of me is so beautiful. What's even more special, to me at least, is that our actors have no lines. They're totally stationary, which somehow makes it more powerful. Here are just a few images of the evening:

Above and below: The actors and actress playing Jesus, Mary, and Simon of Cyrene are brothers & sister. So awesome!

The whole crew: narrators, choir members, stage hands, and the actors.

Don't Fall Asleep

2011-04-21T22:29:00.000-04:00

The other day, I had iTunes set on the "prayertime" playlist, and "Stay Here", one of my favorite Taize songs, started playing.

Stay here and keep watch with me. Watch and pray.

I kept chewing and chewing on these beautiful words. I came to no grandiose conclusions. What I arrived it was much simpler,

Don't fall asleep. Stay awake. Keep watch with Me. Pray.

But, oh how many times have I fallen asleep! I'm just as bad as the disciples were in the garden. I may think and tell myself that I'll stay awake, but no, there have been times when I willfully and sometimes unconsciously wandered away or fallen asleep.

So, let's all try to stay here and keep watch. Let's not let the gift of the cross and the resurrection pass us by, let's not let Easter go by as just another day of the year.

Let us all be awake this Triduum, this Easter. Be present and soak up everything that's around us during these beautiful liturgies.

I love Holy Week.

#Winning

2011-04-13T12:56:00.000-04:00

This semester my RA decided to put up a poster with all of her residents' names. Every time you go to a program or any big campus-wide event, you get a star. At the end of the semester, the one with the most stars gets a prize of some sort.

A prize?! Yes! I'll play. But I also just like going to programs or university events (if I can and I'm interested in those, there are an awful lot of them all of the time). I like being able to show my face and give my support. So if I'm the only one who shows up to my RA's program, awesome.

However, I also love the thrill of victory and the taste of winning and the adrenaline of competition. Not that getting a star by my name gets me all pumped up to run a marathon or tackle a bear, but you know what I mean. I do get pretty happy when I earn another star.

As the not-so-awesome Charlie Sheen would say, "Winning!" Or if you're on Twitter, #winning

On Sunday and Monday nights, we had our most popular and well attended program. I came out Sunday night for a bit and was able to come back Monday night. More girls showed up or at least walked through, so naturally we chatted briefly. One girl said, "Who's Ashley S.?" I smiled sheepishly and said, "Me."

We were just talking about how many multiple names we have: 2 Ashleys, 2 Chelseas, 2 Kendras, and 3 Caitlins (...3 different spellings). The other Ashley was asking about me, because she saw that I'm the one in the lead right now! They're after me. It was all good fun though. It's nice getting to meet your neighbors, but it is funny because we only have a few weeks of the semester left and we just now decided to talk/have fun with each other.

#winning

Aluminum Cans

2011-04-12T00:12:00.003-04:00

I don't know how else to approach the topic of capital punishment, other than, I don't like it. I've stewed over this post for the last few days, and I can simmer no more.

Whoa! Can of worms! Did you hear it being opened? I did from a mile away.

You know how people often cherry-pick Bible verses? Within the Catholic Church (and other Christians of the pro-life movement), I feel that abortion is almost always "cherry picked" over other issues related to the sanctity of life, like abolishing capital punishment. I don't know the official definition of pro-life, but when I hear that word and apply it to my life and my beliefs, it encompasses more than just abortion.

A quick Google search of "pro-life" turned up nothing related to capital punishment. Nothing! Maybe it is hidden away in some obscure page of the websites I perused, but I simply don't have the time to go through everything. Which brings me back to the point...why is there no highly visible presence for abolishing the death penalty? The only time I ever hear anything about it is when someone on death row in Tennessee is getting ready to be executed...the local stations usually report about the flood of last minute appeals and shout-outs to the governor to grant clemency.

But outside of those few moments, I honestly cannot recall a time when I heard about someone advocating for the end of capital punishment. All the time, all year round, I hear a constant stream of anti-abortion news, both triumphs and failures. Some days, I get a little annoyed with the flood. I think that my slight annoyance stems from my confusion as to why no one floods the media and our world with abolishing the death penalty.

I also realize that capital punishment is its own minefield.

Let's be frank. At this particular moment in time and in my life, I feel more connected to abolishing the death penalty than I feel connected to the "pro-life" movement. I don't know why, but I do. If feeling this way makes me less of a Christian, less of a Catholic, too bad. I don't want to keep hiding behind the curtain because I'm afraid of what people will think and say because I'm not overly-excited about anti-abortion. Because I'm not. I can't keep lying to myself. My energy is directed towards abolishing the death penalty.

Within the last 48-ish hours, I heard talk of ending abortion on at least 2 separate occasions. I heard about making moral choices and decisions. I listened as individuals spoke about the value of life. I listened as they stressed the importance of prayer and seeking God's guidance. Within those last 48-ish hours, I heard not a word about abolishing the death penalty. I heard nothing about how all life is sacred, including the lives of those on death-row.

Right about now arrives the "well, they deserve to die for what they did" point. And it is a very valid one. It is. Acts of unspeakable horror should never be committed against any living human being (and animal, but that's another topic for another day). No one's last look or feeling or memory on this earth should be one of immense pain and terror and sadness. No one. Families and friends don't deserve the pain, sadness, and suffering that comes with the sudden, brutal loss of a loved one.

And you're probably right when you say that they deserve it. But several years ago, by the grace of God I came across a quote that had finally articulated what I had always felt about the death penalty, which is

"Be against the death penalty. Yes, they deserve it. But thank God, 'that for your grace I don't get what I deserve.'" -Mother Antonia Brenner

Yet again, God chose to strengthen my heart and my resolve. On Friday I had the wonderful opportunity to hear Sister Helen Prejean speak. What an incredible woman and inspiration! She came to campus as part of human rights week, and I did my best to take notes in the hopes that I will remember her words as time passes. Here are some of my favorites/highlights:

"Do you know what they write down on the death certificate as cause of death? It's legal homicide. Legal homicide." I had no idea. Actually, I never gave any thought to what was written down.

On the expensive enterprise of capital punishment: "Do you want to keep using resources for the machinery of death?" No! I certainly don't want to. Allocate money and time and effort into other areas that are actually worthy causes, not death.

She also spoke heavily about the social and racial side of capital punishment. From her many years in the cause for abolishing the death penalty, she's discovered that with many cases, the race of the victim was a huge determining factor in whether capital punishment was sought by prosecutors. People (of any race, but especially black) who murder a white person are more likely to be put on death-row.

Sister Prejean also noted that our culture keeps us from questioning the inhumanity of capital punishment. It is especially troublesome for victims' families because if they don't seek/want the death penalty, they are perceived as being weak...that they didn't really love the victim. Which is a total BS call. Once I had finally figured out how I felt about capital punishment, I broached the subject with my family. I told them that if something were ever to happen to me (no matter the atrocity), I hope that they will honor my wish that the death penalty not be sought. If my family, or any family of any murdered loved one, didn't seek the death penalty, that does not mean that they didn't love the person.

That being said...forgiveness, Sister noted, is seen as weak. If we forgive the murderer or rapist, then surely we must be weak. I can't fathom how forgiveness is weakness...it is sometimes the hardest thing we ever do. It makes us stronger. She also added that forgiveness isn't just a gift that you give to another, but that it is a way to save and preserve yourself. Forgiveness allows us to keep bitterness from taking hold in our hearts. If we never forgave our trespasses, I think we would all be pretty ugly inside, and we'd probably act ugly too.

It all boils down to dignity. Each person has the right to be treated as a human being. Not being treated as a human being just sucks, to put it simply. Out of her entire talk, what resonates the most with me was this, that "We recycle aluminum cans, but we just throw people away." Sister Prejean nailed it.

To me it seems that in our self-centered, culture of instant gratification and aspirations of wealth and fame, it is easy to forget our humanness. We become objects. Once you become an object and not a breathing living loving human person, you are easier to throw away. Sure, we recycle paper, plastic, cans, and the like. But we really do throw people away. Once I sin, the first time you sin, the millionth time she/he sins, yer out! You get tossed on the heap of garbage which everyone thinks you belong in.

But, nobody deserves to be thrown away. Even the ugliest of us deserves the right to live. People wanted to throw Jesus away. And they did, on a cross.

If all life truly is precious and valuable, then how can a person be anti-abortion but pro-capital punishment? How can one advocate for the rights of one but not the other?

Murderers don't have the right to take away life, and neither do we. Because if we think that we have the right to take away their life, then, "Killing the killers makes killers of us all." -my Uncle, Dana Cole

A New Life

2011-04-08T22:24:00.001-04:00

What then are we to say? Should we continue in sin in order that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin go on living in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? Therefore we have been buried with him by baptism into death, so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be destroyed, and we might no longer be enslaved to sin. For whoever has died is freed from sin. But if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. The death he died, he died to sin, once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. -Romans 6:1-11

The other night, in a moment of startling lucidity, I read the verse "Therefore we have been buried with him by baptism into death, so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life."

Whoa. What? In baptism, I die so that I may rise with Jesus?

I've heard that many times before, but I guess it never really stuck until last night. The gravity of such a wonderful thing never hit me before.

The waters of baptism let us rise with Jesus. We are dead to sin. And we are alive in Christ!

This post seems so scatter-brained and chaotic to me, but perhaps it is because even though I finally get it...I still can't wrap my mind around it. Such is the mystery and beauty of God.

Sleep Deprivation

2011-04-06T23:10:00.001-04:00

I should not be doing anything right now because I am so tired! However, I must hold out until 11p.m. If I go to sleep now or really before that time, then I will either a) sleep so much that once I wake up I'm still tired or b) wake up way too early and start this vicious cycle of not sleeping/sleeping/napping during the day all over again.

Not that you care to know any of that, but you know me, I like to share.

In other news, I resurrected my Twitter account. I've had it since September but stopped using it in October. Don't really remember why I let it fall to the wayside, oh well. But now I'm back and I love it! I do enjoy blogging and Facebook, but Twitter is also fun. I feel I can say more/do more there than I would here. If you have a Twitter, you should come find me @_horsesash

Haha! Get it? I'm punny. But the credit to that awesomeness isn't mine. My good friend Fr. Christian helped come with the moniker.

And since I have time for nothing else, here is yet another sampling of some of my favorite movie score/orchestra/awesome tunage.

"Still (Reprise)" by Hans Zimmer, from Black Hawk Down

"Hector's Death" by James Horner, from Troy

Estoy muy cansada. Buenas noches mis amigos.

The Funnies

2011-03-31T17:17:00.000-04:00

I've got a case of the funnies today. Now I want to share some of the laughter with you!

From my favorite TV show in the history of television programming, The Golden Girls:

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, thank God you're here!
Sophia Petrillo: Arrested for prostitution! I can't believe it!
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, were innocent!
Sophia Petrillo: I know that. I can't believe these dumb cops would think people would wanna pay money to sleep with you!
Rose Nylund: Sophia, did you come to bail us out?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, Rose! She's dropping off a manacotti with a file in it!

This little gem, well, it speaks for itself:

And one last thing. "From the mouths of babes..."

Because sometimes, you just have to laugh.

Save the Stink Bug!

2011-03-28T21:27:00.001-04:00

That poor little stink bug.

I almost killed him.

As I was scribbling notes as fast as I could, I thought I saw something move by my knee. I looked, saw nothing, and continued note-taking.

A few moments after that, when I had a chance to just listen to the professor talk, I looked at the top of my paper (at this point on the page, I was writing all the way at the bottom). On the top was some little light brown thing. I realized it was some kind of bug, so I immediately flicked it off with my pencil.

When it landed belly up on the floor by my feet, I realized it was a stink bug. Now I know most everyone hates them and finds them to be no more than nuisances, but personally I have never had issue with them.

After a few minutes passed, I noticed that the little guy was still on his back, struggling to right himself. I felt so bad. So bad that I honestly don't think you can understand. Seriously.

And this is all over a bug! A bug! A stink bug!

I knew it wasn't real, but I imagined that he was screaming while he writhed in helplessness. I wanted to help, but I also didn't want everyone to watch the girl in the front row play around on the floor.

So I decided to wait until class was over. Once most of the class left I would right the stink bug and go on my way. But after my professor stopped lecturing, she said, "Don't forget to turn in your homework!"

Crap! That means everyone is going to walk right in front of me...right where the helpless stinkbug was struggling. Terrified, I tried to put my things away quickly so that I could flick the bug out of harm's way. But I wasn't fast enough! Boots and sneakers and flip-flops came barreling toward him.

I literally cringed when I thought people were going to step on him. He almost bit the dust several times. It was a harrowing minute.

After the last straggler walked away from the bug, I crouched down and righted him with my homework. As I did this, I scooted him to a location not on the main drag, hoping that he would have some sense and get off of the floor of a lecture hall.

I'll never know what became of that stink bug. I do know, however, that something tiny and seemingly insignificant taught me a lesson.

Because of my pride, I let a little creature struggle for 15 minutes. Maybe he never actually felt discomfort or pain, but I imagined that he did. That was enough to make me sink lower into my seat. I was ashamed at myself for having put him in such a position. I also didn't want to cause a disturbance by getting out of my seat in the middle of lecture...to help a bug.

But I'm sure it was more pride than not disturbing others that prevented me from doing the right thing as soon as I realized that I could have done something.

A nice slice of humble pie, I'd say.

I'm sorry little stink bug.

And thank you Jesus for not waiting 15 minutes to save my life.

Sigh No More

2011-03-22T22:24:00.004-04:00

I have discovered a new band. Rather, I think I have discovered a new love. I'm sure by now that my friends are sick of hearing me talk about Mumford and Sons...

...but I just can't help myself! I know that some of my friends love them as much as I do while some don't care for them at all. That's fine. Won't change my feelings, for sure. I'll probably be annoying until the high of discovering awesome music wears off.

Very few songs and very few albums make me feel alive. What? I don't quite understand it. I usually feel God's presence in the absence of words more than I do songs with lyrics. Just give me instruments, and I'll be fine.

Give me instruments and words that make me feel awesome?! That is quite the accomplishment. Because of those lyrics and sound, I feel more aware of God in my life. You know, sometimes you just can't articulate what you want to say to God. It is always nice when you find help to speak. And when you finally organize that gobbledygook of thought into something, your heart says and sings it along with you.

I'm happy as a clam. Or I'm happy as my Charlie dog is when, well, when is he not happy? Anyway, I'm still learning the words so I can sing along to all of their songs.

Nerdfest alert, perhaps. We'll see. So I give you a sampling of the awesomeness that is Mumford and Sons. The title track of their album "Sigh No More" puts into words what I cannot:

Love it will not betray you

Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free.

Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment, a cry

Of my heart to see

The beauty of love as it was made to be

I don't particularly enjoy much, if any, Christian music outside of the traditional church hymns (and Mass parts!). Mumford and Sons isn't a Christian band, but the aforementioned lyrics correlate so well with the love that I feel Jesus provides to all of us. No cover charge.

His love doesn't betray, dismay, or enslave us. It sets us free. It helps make me the person that the Father made me to be.

Chyeah, I'd say that's pretty awesome.

El Tiburón

2011-03-19T11:26:00.001-04:00

When I woke up this morning, I remembered my rather vivid dream. I have to share it with you because of its silliness in relation to me. But first, a little scene setting...

Yesterday my friend Becca, her mom, and I went to the Knoxville Zoo. Throughout our afternoon, we talked about our favorite animals. Every now and then I would interject with my favorite animals at the Indianapolis Zoo (see this post about "Marine Mammals" for even more background!). At some point, I brought up the shark touch pool at the Indy Zoo. Don't get too excited, they're just tiny little dog sharks.

But for me, of course, any shark interaction would be the coolest thing, ever! I'm still holding out for a visit with my favorites: Great White and Mako sharks. In case you haven't read my "about me", I love sharks. They're my favorite animal. YES. You know how much I love horses, but sharks are numero uno.

Anyway, I guess my subconscious was trying to explain just how ridiculous my unwavering devotion is to an animal that most everyone fears.

In my dream, Becca and I were at the shark touch pool. I put my hand in, and then one of the dog sharks bit me! It was of course not life threatening, but my bloody fingers were quite a sight to see. Others around us started freaking out and screaming. What did I do?

I held up my hand and proclaimed, "THIS IS SO COOL! A shark just bit me!" Meanwhile, Becca rolled her eyes. We were the only two not flipping out over a tiny little bite.

I woke up, and instantly I remembered something that several of my friends repeatedly told me throughout our school years together. They said that if someone ever shouted "Shark!" at a beach, I would be the only one who would run into the water while everyone else ran out of the water. My friends also say that I will die at the hands (uh, teeth?) of a shark. The only thing that will be left is one of my hands.

I chuckle as I write this. I love my friends, really. Their ability to be so creative and humorous just makes my day.

Of course, I truthfully don't think I would run into the water if someone spotted a shark swimming around the beach. I would be really excited though, not gonna lie.

Oh and don't mess with my sharks! Next to scientists who study them, I think I'm their staunchest defender. They really are my favorite animals.

Being Different Is Not An Excuse

2011-03-14T22:59:00.001-04:00

Just because people are different, it doesn't make them less human than you. It doesn't make them evil. Being different isn't a bad thing.

Lately I've been apart of situations/conversations that make me want to curl up into a ball and hide away from humanity. Not forever. Just for those moments when I am inadvertently included in or just overhearing things that people say about other human beings.

Sometimes people don't have to actually say anything. Sometimes they do, and even what they say isn't what gets my goat...it's how they say it. I may not have seen the sneer on your face, but I sure as heck heard it in your voice.

I'm sorry that I don't agree with you that those people are evil. The breadth of folks who are those people confounds me. Is no one good enough or worthy enough except others who think, look, act, talk, or walk just like you? They have to watch the same 24/7 news channel. They watch the same TV shows and movies. Read the same books. Listen to the same music, the same radio stations. They are of the same political party and persuasion as you. They go to the same worship place as you, believe in the same higher power(s) as you. Speak the same language as you.

Same. Same. Same. Same. Same.

Only then can they be good enough. If they're not quite carbon copies of you in action and thought, they may command only a small part of your attention, only a smidgen of your respect.

Because they speak Arabic, Spanish, Mandarin, English. Because they are Hindu, Jewish, Sunni Muslim, Shia Muslim, evangelical Christian, Catholic, Sikh, atheist, agnostic, Buddhist. Because they are European, African, American, Asian, Latino/a. Because they are poor, rich, middle-class. Because they are gay, straight, bi-sexual, trans-gender. Because they are Democrat, Republican, middle-of-the-fencer, none-of-the-above. Because they are sinful, saintly, righteous, unrighteous. Because you are whatever, whichever, whomever.

Because because because...they are not like you. They're different. Some you classify as evil. Some the media and our societies classify as bad or unworthy. Some you believe are terrible just because your granpappy and his granpappy before him said they were. Sometimes you do it because that's all you ever hear. But being different is not an excuse to hate one another.

You say you respect life and you profess faith in a God who loves all, yet you treat them with disdain. Then you try to get me to be just like you! It may not be overt, but I know it happens in small little doses. Tiny quips here and there.

But I won't crack. Though I am guilty of it at times, in big ways and small ways, I will try to not treat them like they are nothing, undeserving.

See, God put it in my heart to love all. To love my neighbors. To love my enemies. To love those people whom everyone else decides are unlovable.

Jesus ate and talked with people when everyone else said he shouldn't. He loved them.

He loved them. Unconditionally.

I want to treat others the way Jesus did. I want to love like Jesus did. Love like Jesus does. Love like He always will love.

Don't you want that, too?

I'm Free!

2011-03-09T15:10:00.002-05:00

Yeah I'm free, free fallin'...

Okay, not completely. I still have two days left of class, but all of the big stuff before Spring Break starts is over with. All that's left is to read for communications and read a little Thoreau for American lit, which I'm excited about.

This is a picture of my calendar which incorporates all of my big assignments for each class. At some point it turned into more than just a way for me to keep track of assignments...it is now a countdown type of thing, so now I can officially say it is halfsy time! That is, I'm halfway through the semester :)

I'm sure all of 5 people will show up to class on Friday, and I'll be one of them. Even though break is right around the corner, I still don't like missing class unless I absolutely have to...that would be the nerd-goody-two shoes in me. That'll never die.

Being a good little pedestrian won't die off either. A police officer honked at my friend and me today while we were in the crosswalk. Once we got to the sidewalk, we turned to look at him, and he said, "Watch where you're walking next time." All I can say is, lol. I mean, we were in the middle of a crosswalk for crying out loud. We wouldn't have crossed the street if it wasn't safe. And you, as an officer of the law, should know that pedestrians have the right of way. Tee hee!

Today is Ash Wednesday! Not to be Captain Obvious, but it's just one of my favorite days of the year. I went to the 8a.m. Mass on campus, and in spite of the rainy day, my ashes have stayed on my forehead. They don't look like much of a cross anymore.

Funny thing about this picture, other than my face, is that I gave up swearing, or more specifically the entire range of swear words for Lent. Notice anything?

"You know you got something on your forehead?" Yes, yes I do...I wish when people did double takes or repeatedly stare at me that I had time to explain to them what the "something" is all about. Ash Wednesday and the Lenten season are incredibly meaningful and full of growth for me. In passing though, I rarely am ever afforded the opportunity to tell that other person that no, it's not dirt they're ashes. And this is why they are on my forehead...

C'est la vie, right? Though, I didn't have to explain what the ashes were for in my literature class. Apparently everyone I sit around is Catholic or they're Protestants who also put ashes on their foreheads or they just know the significance of today. That was actually really cool because then we all talked about today and Lent and what we were giving up or doing extra.

I leave you with a link to my Ash Wednesday post from last year, which sums up everything that I love about this day and then some: Just Dust.

Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return.

Take A Minute

2011-03-07T18:17:00.000-05:00

So it's been awhile since my last post. I don't really know why that happened, but I digress. I'm currently in the "I've got a million things to do for class" mode that inevitably is thrust upon every college student the week before Spring Break. I turned in a paper today, and I turn another one in tomorrow. I have an exam on Wednesday. Then I'm basically home free.

In lieu of lots of words, I wanted to share an awesome awesome awesome song with you, but alas, it has one word (the "n" word) that prevents me from sharing it. The rapper uses it one time. I bought the clean version from iTunes but can't find it anywhere on the internet. If I could find the clean version, I'd put it up here. If you want to check it out on your own, go to Youtube and listen to the song "Take A Minute" by K'naan.

Now you're thinking, how can the song be any good? Well, to me one bad apple doesn't ruin the other good apples, yo. My favorite lines from the song are:

"And any man who knows a thing knows he knows not a damn, damn thing at all" and "Dear Mama, you helped me write this by showing me to give is priceless"

That's insanely good. And powerful.

What's doubly cool, as you know I love a whole lot of interesting things, is that K'naan is a Somali-Canadian rapper.

You should also check out this film trailer, which will be screened on campus coming up in April. I'm so excited. I found "Take A Minute" while watching the trailer.

Bouncing Cats Trailer from Bouncing Cats on Vimeo.

Stop Worrying

2011-02-24T23:06:00.001-05:00

Stop worrying.

That's all He said.

In the midst of my whirly-twirly mind thinking about 1 million things at the same time, all of a sudden, for a brief moment, it all stopped. And I heard, "Stop worrying." That's all I heard. No other sounds, though there were plenty to be heard.

And I did, I stopped. For the first time in a few weeks, for the first time within the past few hours, I stopped worrying.

It was and is wonderful to feel this way.

Though I have recently been presented with a few future-opportunities and items to follow up with, I was still frightened. Hell, I'm still scared.

But it's a fear that's been tamed and wrapped in a love that I only think I can understand. Funny thing is, I will never understand the depth of God's love for me.

This evening was some sort of collecting point for all my worries and fears about what I'm supposed to do with my life, and my cup decided to runneth over, so to speak. I see all of these wonderful people around me who are doing beautiful, wonderful things for others, for God. They have plans, and they're already making something of themselves. They are beautiful people who are trying their best to make this world better for the rest of us, especially those who are suffering from whatever ailment befalls them be it sickness or oppression or rebuilding shattered nations and peoples.

I want to do that. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to do what they are doing. But at the same time, there is a feeling/voice inside me that keeps saying, yes, you want to do that, but that is what they're doing. Yes, I know you're interested. You forget child, that I know you.

I am playing catch up because of my indecisiveness. Now I think, though, that my switching majors 3 times was what I needed to do to get me here. But then I think, well what if I had come in with a plan and stuck to it or at least not have gone back on the other plans I had when I first came to college? Maybe I would be out researching or working on projects that benefited more than just my GPA. Instead, I am taking a much-needed "light" semester and focusing on recharging the batteries. Then I think about past mistakes, actions, missed opportunities that I regret. Are those things and their potential consequences going to hinder my future, help my future, or both?

My situation is akin to my hiking habit. On the trail, I often spend my time watching my feet. Occasionally I look up to see further ahead, to see the valleys below, to see the sights up ahead, to see the hiker in front of me. I guess right now, I am supposed to be watching my feet. It's not quite time for me to look up ahead. I'm not quite ready to look ahead.

Stop worrying, He said.

An Alternative to Heroin

2011-02-20T22:24:00.002-05:00

You'll never have to worry about me doing drugs, particularly heroin.

Yesterday I watched a movie with scenes full of people shooting up. I hate needles. Blegh! No thanks, I'll pass.

Though I was not particularly fond of seeing the needles, overall I enjoyed watching American Gangster. I do love Denzel and Russell, and not in a schoolyard crush kinda way but man, these guys are awesome kinda way. I feel that any movie I've seen either of them in, both men command the screen no matter the role.

I could've saved myself some trouble by educating myself that one of the reasons why the movie is rated R is because of "pervasive drug content." Next time I'll shut my eyes!

I don't need heroin or meth to get me going or make me feel happy or alive or whatever. All I need is a mild incident of terror combined with sprinting, or to put it plainly, adrenaline.

On Saturday I got to the barn a little early, so I decided to go visit with the "babies" in one of the pastures. They were all the way in the back, taking their sweet time to come up to the fence, so I decided to visit the boys in the pasture next to the babies. They too were in the back-ish area of the pasture, but they were acting all funny. That's when I saw something move on the other side of the fence, right in front of where Perry and Jessie were hanging out. I went into the pasture with the boys to get a closer look.

As I got closer, I noticed that "it" was chestnut colored, had four legs, and a blue halter. Uh-oh! Somebody got out. Holy @*$%#!!!!!

I quickly realized it was Comanche, but having no lead rope in hand, I took off for the gate. At the last second, I decided to skip the lead rope for the time being and sprinted down to the barn to see just where Comanche was supposed to be...and also to find out who his pasture buddy was...which also meant I could have more horses loose!

Ah, up in the front pasture with Spice. A big black horse, hard to miss.

I sprinted back out of the barn. Comanche was no longer on Horse Haven property, but luckily he was away from the road in the back of the neighbor's yard close to the little cut-thru gate. I found a lead rope and then started walking toward the escape artist. He then saw me and started to walk away, the little turd! So I tried a different approach and was successful in capturing the fugitive.

As we turned to go back onto HHT property, I spied Spice and the hole in the fence line where Comanche had come out of. He was nosing around, with his head, neck, and one hoof on the other side of the fence. Like thunder after lightning, Spice jerked back into the pasture after I cracked a big "NO" at him. I didn't think I could be that loud.

After I put Comanche in an empty stall, I walked back up to make sure Spice didn't get out. Then the other volunteers showed up. Paul fixed the fence, which upon further inspection, was missing one board. Comanche had knocked the middle board down and was able to fit between the top and bottom boards.

As I brought Comanche back up to where he was supposed to be, he nickered the whole way! Once he tried to stop for grass, but I reminded him that he had all afternoon to graze in the neighbor's lush backyard. No chance of stopping now buddy!

So you see, I don't need drugs. I have animals that get my heart pumping.

Oh and I'm totally out of shape. I was so out of breath after sprinting back and forth, I thought I was going to keel over with Comanche's lead rope clutched in my hand. At least he'd be able to pull me around.

Ducks

2011-02-16T23:44:00.000-05:00

I just accidentally brainstormed. Like, a brainstorm for my future kinda deal.

It's both terrifying and exciting to think about possibilities. I'm going to do some sniffing and fact-checking and questioning. And break out the big girl panties, too, I might add.

I amassed several different ducks. Now I'm trying to decide which ducks I need to keep, which ones to act upon. Then, I'll try to get those ducks in a row. Know what I mean?

All things of course, must be prayerfully considered. Remembering to do that, though, is what I will probably struggle with the most. I'm trying to do more to be aware of God's presence in my life, because He's there all the time (duh). If I jump into future-planning and don't listen to Him, well, what good is that?

Te Amo Duke

2011-02-14T23:27:00.001-05:00

"I was ill and you took care of Me...Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of Mine, you did it for Me." -Matthew 25: 36, 40

Before all things and above all things care must be taken of the sick. They must be served in every deed as Christ Himself. -St. Benedict

I almost made it today without crying, almost. St. Valentine's Day has usually just felt like another day to me. Last year, though, that changed.

We put our beloved dog, Duke, down on this day last year. He was sick, and it quite literally came out of nowhere.

That's what still hurts the most. Death isn't fair, ever. No matter how much notice you have, it still just sucks when you drive home with one less member of the family present. Or when you wake up the next day thinking they'll come running into your room to wake you up just so they can go outside and pee.

That and the day we found out Duke was dying, we selfishly asked if it would be alright to take him home for just one more day, so that we all could say goodbye. I can tell by looking at the pictures of us with Duke that there is something identifiably different about him. You could tell he was sick. In a way, we were holding on when it was really time to let go. After we took him to the vet, I didn't wash the sweater I wore that day for almost 2 months because it still smelled like Duke.

God, I miss him so much.

"On that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you in Me, and I in you." -John 14: 20

Totally Not the Right Holiday

2011-02-13T14:38:00.002-05:00

Yesterday night I went out for dinner with some friends from the barn after we finished up the chores. At some point, a story came up that I remember quite vividly, save for one detail. I can't remember the horse's name, which leaves me rather frustrated because everything but his name is quite clear!

Phoebe and I went into a stall to give a horse his oral meds. I put the plunger into X's mouth while Phoebe made sure he didn't go anywhere. Literally as soon as I pushed the plunger, he moved his tongue causing the syringe to move towards the side of his mouth rather than stay in the middle.

A good portion of his medicine shot right out the side of his mouth into Phoebe's face. Somehow, he received most of his medicine. The whole situation was quite funny seeing as I had no idea what happened at first. It was only until Phoebe stepped around the horse to look at me when I saw her face.

Good times, good times. She still has the medicine stain on her barn jacket! Anyway, the reason I told you this story was that it led me to look through my old Horse Haven photo albums. I hoped that seeing a black horse would jog my memory as to which horse it was that starred in the infamous story, but it didn't happen.

Instead, I found some photos from this past October and Halloween-ish time that I forgot to put on here. I like to share, you know that. And I know tomorrow is St. Valentine's Day.

The decorated stall was for "Boo at the Barn." Boo is our annual fundraiser that takes place around Halloween. Volunteers decorate a stall and a horse, and then little kiddies and their parents come around to get candy and maybe pet the horse if they're brave enough! In 2009, my stall was an epic fail because it was so incredibly last minute. For real. So this past time, I wanted to redeem myself. I partnered with Sigi and our horse, Porsche.

Though we didn't win the stall decorating contest, I'm pretty proud of our effort!

My friend and I went to visit a barn's open house for some fancy-schmancy horses one afternoon. It was a bigger deal than I thought, what with free beverages (including booze!), a professional photographer, and horses that cost the same amount as attending the University of Tennessee for one year. My favorite horse sold for 5 figures.

And this little gem, well, it makes perfect sense to me! I love horses. And apparently, I don't care to let the world see my affection for them. I found the picture on the barn's website.

Patience

2011-02-10T15:54:00.001-05:00

My Grandpa that I haven't spoken to in almost 2 years emailed me a Valentine's Day card. I almost started to cry when I got the mail today as I returned from class. I did cry out of pure happiness and love when I read the card. It turns out that the only reason we haven't spoken was out of pure laziness. On his part and on my part.

I learned two valuable lessons that I feel like I should have known all along:
a) Patience truly is a virtue.
b) Laziness can be a crippling disease if you let it go untreated.

I could have picked up the phone or sent a letter sooner. I just expected Grandpa to reach out first. At least, that has always been the case ever since my grandparents divorced. He would call first, he would send the birthday card first, etc. Time just got away from the two of us, and I let silly expectations get in the way of what I could have done sooner.

I began to grow impatient, waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. It was sometime after my birthday 2 years ago when I hadn't heard from him that I began to patiently wait for some sign or acknowledgment of my existence. Somewhere along the line, I forgot how to be patient.

Fitting, then, that the following reflection was what I read last night before I went to bed.

"By patient endurance you will gain life." -Luke 21:19

Practice patience toward everyone, and especially toward yourself. Never be disturbed because of your imperfections, but always get up bravely after a fall. -St. Francis De Sales

God of Patience, let me endure my imperfections without rebelling. Help me to be patient with myself as well as with others.

How About a Little of Everything?

2011-02-01T19:17:00.001-05:00

Instead of studying for my psychology test, which is tomorrow, I thought I would try and write down some of the random bits of my life that have been quite fun as of late. I have little motivation to study since I like to lie on the floor while I study...earlier when I lay down on the floor to do some reading for American lit, I almost fell asleep.

So far I have enjoyed my American lit class, but the readings for this week have been of particular interest to me since they are from a captivity narrative. You know me and my soft spot for Native Americans and anything that even remotely touches on the subject...so of course I will find some enjoyment in a captivity narrative. The woman's deep faith and trust in God was rather refreshing, but I didn't enjoy much of what she had to say about the Wampanoags, for example, "there was a vast difference between the lovely faces of the Christians, and foul looks of those heathens." That's terrible!

Winter weather plays tricks on my poor little hands. Really cold temperatures make my hands dry up like raisins, so this past weekend my hands and I enjoyed the unusually warm, spring-like temperatures. All that niceness stayed around until just a few hours ago, when it started to rain. I honestly enjoyed the weather teaser, but the temperatures are supposed to drop this week and snow may be possible one day this weekend. Blegh!

Earlier this afternoon, I accompanied my friend Sarah to a used book, CD, and movie store. We both abhor going there because it is too chaotic and unorganized for us. Though I love books, I hate going to this bookstore for some reason. Going there gives me some kind of complex. Today though, we had a successful trip because we were in and out fairly quickly, found half of what Sarah needed to find, and I had a nostalgia moment when I found a book series that I used to read as a kid. I may go back one day to buy them...as long as I don't have to go alone. Our trip was made all the more fun when I tried rolling Sarah's window down only to find her loudly saying, "Noooo! That window is broken." It was. I tried to roll it back up, but to no avail. I retorted later after we fixed the window that if she didn't want it accidentally rolled down, she should cover the button with a big piece of tape that says don't touch.

Just last week I discovered the band Pearl Jam. Dude, they're awesome. Why I just now found them, I have no idea. I can only thank my former roommate and friend Jade for letting me peruse her iTunes library and add some of her music to mine. I don't know why the 4 Pearl Jam songs I currently have made it into that file in the first place, but I'm glad they did!

Have I ever mentioned how much I like being Catholic? I really do love being a Catholic Christian. I can go to Mass anywhere, and it will still be the same. I love that! For the weekends that I stay on campus, I go to the cathedral which is all of 5 miles away. I have never really felt at "home" or enjoyed church as much as I do when I'm at my home parish or even the cathedral. I could walk to the church on campus, which I have done in the past, but you know sometimes you just go where you feel the love best, even if it isn't all that logical. It is also awesome that one of my best friends who also functions as a third father to me is the rector at the cathedral, and the pastor at the home church is also one of my best friends. Having priests for besties is a cool thing.

Santa Claus (what? It's almost Valentine's Day) got me the Robin Hood, Inception, Green Zone, and Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince movie scores. I love them. Since I can't put up all of my new favorite songs, here are just a few:

"Fate Has Smiled Upon Us" -Marc Streitenfeld, Robin Hood

Of course I included something from Hans Zimmer! He is the man. "528491" from Inception

Amen To That

2011-01-31T09:07:00.000-05:00

"While there is still time, correct your faults and endure patiently what you cannot correct completely. Give yourself to prayer while waiting for the Lord Himself to provide--either by correcting now or by correcting at the end-time harvest." -St. Augustine

Amen to that.

Sometimes things are literally out of our hands, and try as we might, there may be nothing that we can do ourselves. So work on what you can. Stop wasting precious time and energy on endeavors that you simply cannot do alone.

Don't you just love it when God tells you exactly what you need to hear?

As Weary Pilgrim

2011-01-27T11:56:00.000-05:00

We are studying the early foundational documents of the colonists in my American literature class. Specifically, we just read a few Puritan poems from one of the first famous female poets in America, Anne Bradstreet. "As Weary Pilgrim" is my favorite so far. I liked it so much that I wanted to share it with you!

"As Weary Pilgrim"

Anne Bradstreet

As weary pilgrim, now at rest,

Hugs with delight his silent nest,

His wasted limbs now lie full soft

That mirey steps have trodden oft,

Blesses himself to think upon

His dangers past, and travails done.

The burning sun no more shall heat,

Nor stormy rains on him shall beat.

The briars and thorns no more shall scratch.

Nor hungry wolves at him shall catch.

He erring paths no more shall tread,

Nor wild fruits eat instead of bread.

For waters cold he doth not long

For thirst no more shall parch his tongue.

No rugged stones his feet shall gall,

Nor stumps nor rocks cause him to fall.

All cares and fears he bids farewell

And means in safety now to dwell.

A pilgrim I, on earth perplexed

With sins, with cares and sorrows vext,

By age and pains brought to decay,

And my clay house mold'ring away.

Oh, how I long to be at rest

And soar on high among the blest.

This body shall in silence sleep,

Mine eyes no more shall ever weep,

No fainting fits shall me assail,

Nor grinding pains my body frail,

With cares and fears ne'er cumb'red be

Nor losses know, nor sorrows see.

What though my flesh shall there consume,

It is the bed Christ did perfume,

And when a few years shall be gone,

This mortal shall be clothed upon.

A corrupt carcass down it lies,

A glorious body it shall rise.

In weakness and dishonor sown,

In power 'tis raised by Christ alone

Then soul and body shall unite

And of their Maker have the sight.

Such lasting joys shall there behold

As ear ne'er heard nor tongue e'er told.

Lord make me ready for that day

Then come, dear Bridegroom, come away.

Hello Again

2011-01-26T09:47:00.001-05:00

Therefore, while we have time, let us do good to all men--especially to those who are of the household of faith. -Galatians 6:10

It would be a lie if I told you that I have always known that being polite and nice actually makes you feel good. I mean, yes, I've always heard that...but have I actually practiced that? Probably not as well as I could have.

I've noticed in myself over the past few weeks that every place I go, I try to be kind. To smile. To say thank you. I try to do all of those things to complete strangers and to people I know. What surprises me the most is when I find myself being kind and smiling in situations or around people that at that particular moment in time I would rather not be kind and offer some mean-spirited remark instead of a smile.

I think I have discovered that I am just tired of being mean or seemingly unfriendly. My friends have often told me that when they see me walking around (even though I may never have realized I walked past them), my face often looks mean or whatever. And most days, I promise you that I wasn't unhappy or grumpy or whatever, I just have a mean face I guess. So in addition to the above, I'm trying to work on my happy face.

It's not that I haven't had inspiration or lack of time to write, I just haven't felt like it. I'm doing better than I was the last time I posted. My classes have been pretty good so far, though I did end up dropping my anthropology class. Yes, the one that I was really excited about.

If I want to be healthier and less stressed/anxious, I need to actually allow myself time to do those things that will help. So if the first step to being better was lightening my class load, then great. I'm hopeful that the class will be taught again before I graduate (not many of the upper level anthro classes are offered every semester or even every academic year!). If not, then I will still read the books that I already purchased for the class because, yes, I'm a total nerd like that.

On another note, I would like spring to come! Though I don't want to speed up life or time, I'm done with cold weather and snow. No mas por favor!

Seeking Peace

2011-01-15T23:25:00.001-05:00

"In everything pray for guidance, let your concerns be known to God. Expect Him to be your voice, your hands, and your feet. With this faith in action, everything you do or say will have the gentleness of God."

When the doctor told me that he wanted to get some blood work done, my heart rate sky-rocketed. "You mean, like, now? Today?" His answer was a half-comical, half-serious yes when he saw my panic-stricken face. I hate needles. I can't stand the thought of them. The last time I got a shot, I almost passed out. The last time I had to give a vial or two of blood to the doctor, I literally got sick while we drove out of the parking lot.

It took forever for the nurse to come in. I wasn't mad that my afternoon was being spent waiting in the doctor's office. I was just terrified. Each minute sitting alone only prolonged the terror.

I told the nurse right away that I have a history of not doing well with needles. She warmly smiled and said, "Well, I suggest you find your happy place, and I suggest you find it quickly."

So what did I do? I started praying the Hail Mary. I never realized that one of my happy places is between the Blessed Mother's arms. It's a good place to be.

I completely forgot about what was happening in the crook of my right elbow. I didn't know when the nurse had finished! I only realized that my "ordeal" was over when I saw that my useless prattling on about the weather and road conditions was visibly boring the kind nurse.

Life has thrown me for a loop. It all started with a doctor's visit. It took the kind words of a sort-of stranger to point out things that I had not been aware of. The words stress, anxiety, difficult decisions, and college will suffice for now.

I am sort of bumbling along like a little lost sheep, looking for the Shepherd.

We must strive to place ourselves completely in God's hands. Then He will cause us to feel the effects of His goodness and protection--which are at times extraordinary. -St. John Baptist de la Salle

Stay In School

2011-01-07T21:59:00.000-05:00

I had planned on writing yesterday in an attempt to break the "not blogging funk", but our local internet and cable provider decided to not work for over 24 hours. I don't think that I am bored with writing. Unless it is a paper for school, I don't like to force ideas and words out. That's when writing becomes no fun!

Classes are getting ready to start in a few days. Nothing sobers you up from an over one month long break like logging onto your online classroom to find materials for the upcoming semester. I received a healthy dose of terror mixed with excitement when I read the syllabus for my anthropology class.

I am excited for this semester. I have a feeling it will be much better than the last one. I picked the anthropology class because I am very interested in the subject matter, but it is also registered as a graduate class. The little kids get to play with the big kids sometimes!

I'm also excited because I get to apply for the Communication Studies major. After brief stints in history and geology, I think I have found something that I like and will be of great value to me after college. And it's not value in the sense of a piece of paper that has the potential to get me a better job, but value that I can't really describe.

Though I have entertained many career choices and dreams, one underlying element has always been to help people. I still don't know how I want to do that, but I feel that I can do that best with a Communication Studies degree. Always gotta start somewhere, ya know? I am hopeful that I won't change majors for a 4th time. I've looked at what's ahead in the major, and it all seems very interesting.

When I was a junior in high school, we had to write a personal narrative paper and then present it to the class. Those of us in A.P. English 11 have basically been in the same set of classes/had the same teachers since the 5th and 6th grades...at least when I moved here (before I came to Tennessee, I'm sure they were still together). So presenting my paper to them would be fun, as they all knew too well of my crazy career dreams.

I found that paper the other day. It was a good reread. Though some aspects of the paper have changed, I still want to be a volcanomarinebioarchaeSealphotopirateteacherhumaneologist :)

If I could be a "professional student", I think I would like that. Unless college suddenly becomes free or at the very least I wouldn't end school up to my ears in debt, I'm pretty sure I'll stick with one major and maybe a minor, and I'll just try to take as many fun electives as I can before I graduate.

Hello Spring semester! Hello 2011!

A Resolution

2010-12-31T22:56:00.000-05:00

I looked at my first post of 2010 to see how many resolutions I actually stuck with and/or fulfilled. When I created that list, I purposefully added sort of silly and/or unattainable ones, like "Become a prolific writer" and "Master the Spanish language." Not that speaking Spanish is strictly out of reach, but it will be for awhile.

I did actually fulfill a few resolutions, like "Go to NPH El Salvador this summer", "Be able to chew food normally again" (*I wrote this right after my wisdom teeth were removed), and "Read more books."

I think the one that I am happiest to have worked on the most throughout 2010 was to simply "Pray." I know that at times, I neglected prayer. There were also many times when I wholeheartedly and fully embraced it. This past year, I have picked up the rosary more often. I've almost learned to pray it without the handy little how-to-pray-the-rosary sheet. Though I am easily distracted during Mass, I made more of an effort to be aware of what was happening, to be open to what the Holy Spirit had in store for me.

I didn't and still don't want my conversations with God to be just about fulfilling an obligation or when I want something to happen. This is probably one of the reasons why I made trying to pray more often (& more deeply) a resolution. In 2010, there were many events and people who unknowingly and knowingly conspired to help me with my resolution, and for them I am immeasurably thankful. I am thankful of what has happened in the past year: good, bad, happy, sad, etc.

Thanksgiving is the national holiday of giving thanks and of elementary school plays about pilgrims and Indians (though, the only reason the Wampanoag helped the pilgrims at Plymouth was to gain an ally and upper hand over their rivals, the Narragansett...just fyi). I digress.

I give thanks on Thanksgiving, but I find giving thanks on New Years Eve more spiritual. I get more out of it because to me, this day is a time for reflection, a time to literally think about the past year because tomorrow a brand new slate appears.

I had never gone to Mass for the feast of Mary, Mother of God before in my life. I'm being honest when I say that the only reason I went tonight was because I hadn't scheduled any altar servers other than myself. I didn't want to crash someone's plans, and I knew I didn't have any. But I know that, being true to my nature, even if I lacked plans, I still would not have gone to Mass tonight.

I am glad that I put my name down in the box when I made the schedule a few months ago. Tonight at Mass, I was able to pray and reflect upon 2010. It was a wonderful way to end the year, a fitting cap to my most favorite resolution.

See you next year. Oh, and Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T13:24:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas, from my favorite little candlelit village church to you.

Crazy

2010-12-23T12:02:00.002-05:00

I wouldn't say that my Christmas season has been incredibly busy or filled with too many things to do and not enough time to do them.

I will, however, say that there have been days of complete craziness and funniness. Like the past two days. There must have been something in the air.

Two nights ago April and I made Kayla cry/whine over something silly. Kayla turned to Mom and said, "I wish I was the only child." So naturally a conversation ensued about being an only child as opposed to being one piece of a limited edition set. This of course happened while we watched the rest of Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee on HBO.

Kayla wanted (wants) to be an only child because then no one would mess with her and be mean. Then in my best deadpan manner, I said, "Well I wouldn't want to be an only child because then I would have to do all of the chores." Throughout Kayla's entire monologue, April and I kept trying to not laugh whenever she looked up because seeing our laughter only made Kayla angrier (over nothing I might add!). When I thought my Mom was going to literally kick me off the couch because I kept laughing, I apparently made a terribly funny face. April and I started crying we were laughing so hard. Kayla had no idea what was going on, so she thought we were laughing at her and proceeded to cry even more. My poor mother just wanted to sit on the couch and watch tv, but she got the whole circus when my sisters and I came in.

Yesterday started with a few spirited games of Candyland and Spongebob matching. In both pictures you can see evidence of my winning prowess. I'm the yellow player and the tallest stack of cards is mine. In case you didn't know, getting the Princess Frostine card in Candyland is the quickest way to make my sister mad. It's also a lifesaver if you get a crummy character card that sends you back to the start/beginning of the game. And yes, the phrase "winning prowess" can be applied to children's games. Cause I'm the bomb!

We play a few games each day, but for some reason they were more heated and vicious with each win yesterday. Kayla got mad at me because I picked up the match that she failed to on her first try. This pattern continued, with outbursts of "STOP STEALING MY MATCHES! THAT ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MINE." We played all of these games while listening to Arabic rap and Lady Gaga.

Our big chore of the day was to take the recycling that had been piling up for weeks in the garage. I knew that not all of the recycling would fit...my car isn't big enough to fit all the bins and three people, so we had to leave the cardboard behind for another day. No one likes to take the recycling alone, and we couldn't leave Kayla behind to make more room so we just piled it all in.

The drive to the center was fun. Emptying all of the recyclables into their respective containers at the center was sort of fun. It was more funny than fun, except for Abraham Lincoln's twin watching us the whole time to make sure we put things where they're supposed to go.

Once we were back home, each of us took a tub or two to carry back into the garage. Kayla tried getting into the garage first, but she tripped over the lip of the doorway and sort of kicked the door back onto her head. I still don't know how it happened, but I knew she hit herself with the door when she dropped her tub and grabbed her head. April and I just looked at each other, doubled over with laughter.

Luckily, Kayla didn't get mad at us. She actually laughed with us.

Though this season is typecast as being stressful and whatnot even though it should be the exact opposite, I have been mostly stress free. I thank God for that because it helps me prepare better for the birth of Christ. And you have to be thankful for those crazy fun days when you can't account for anything. I'm relatively sure God has a sense of humor. My sisters and I are here, aren't we?

The Amazing Charlie Dog

2010-12-19T16:09:00.001-05:00

Did you know that dogs can fly? At least, Charlie can. I caught him the other day practicing in his sleep...

I don't understand how he twists and contorts himself. Anything to get a good nap in, right? I mean, he wedged himself right next to the couch.

Oh and Charlie dog is excellent at multi-tasking. He can scratch his ear and yawn at the same time. Who knew?

Like his big brother Rocky in the background, Charlie likes to let loose every now and then. Before I was able to grab the camera, Rocky was laying in the same way as Charlie, but he decided to ruin my fun.

Such a hard life my boys live.

Promises

2010-12-18T12:51:00.002-05:00

Ah, to be five again. The only worries my little sister seems to have are what outfits she will go through in a day, winning or losing a game of Candyland, and practicing her letters, words, and pronunciation.

Now that both of my sisters are officially on break, we'll be spending A LOT of quality time together. Haha! This week both of them went to school a grand total of one and a half days due to snow and icy road conditions. That was it! I can't complain about all of the city and county schools being off because I've been on break since December 7th.

So naturally, since we've already spent more time than usual with each other, we've already started pushing each others buttons. One thing that each of us does on a regular basis, whether on purpose or by pure accident, is starting arguments and/or fights with one another. What group of siblings doesn't?

Kayla likes to instigate the "which pet belongs to which person" argument. Now, I know that I could resist the bait and be the bigger person, but sometimes you just can't pass up an opportunity to start your own mischief. It goes like this. She'll waltz in to find me playing with one of the animals. She will then say, "Tink Tink is your cat" or "Charlie is my dog" or "Squeak is Mom's cat." In reality, they are everybody's pet, but there are a few of us who take more responsibility than others with the care of the animals.

Like, when the cats leave hairballs, I get to clean the mess up. Does Kayla? No. Yeah I know that she's five (almost six!), but if she claims one individual animal as hers, then I always counter with, "Well, then next time Tink has a hairball, you can clean it up. If she's your animal, then you have to take care of her and do everything." Kayla like clockwork responds, "Well, Tink is my cat and I play with her and love her while you clean up her messes and stuff."

Funny stuff. Anyway, this little diatribe always leads to the promise that she made me a very long time ago, which was that she would stop picking up Tink. I didn't like the way Kayla would pick the cat up...I always envision Tink's little life being squeezed out of her. I don't even remember how I got Kayla to make and keep that promise, but she has ever since then.

One day this week, our inevitable animal argument led to my favorite funny topic of conversation, picking up and holding the cat. With an exasperated look on her face accompanied by a huff, Kayla said, "I'm tired of keeping this promise. It's hard, and I don't want to."

After some deliberation, we renegotiated the terms of our agreement. All is well. Tink doesn't get the life squished out of her.

Though our situation was resolved, I kept thinking about what Kayla said. I wonder how many times that I have gone to God saying, "I'm tired of keeping this promise. It's hard, and I don't want to." Some promises are effortless to keep, others not so much. I find myself struggling all the time to keep promises that I made with God.

When I run out of things to say and get stuck, all I can say is, Father have mercy on me, a sinner. At times, I feel that I have nothing left to offer but my defeat courtesy of temptation, and my sincere sorrow.

Lucky for me and for all of us, though we may break our promises, God doesn't. I am thankful for that, though I know that I probably will never understand how He does it. Struggling to uphold our ends of the deal is a life-long lesson.

How can a five year old provide such bunny-trailing wisdom? Ah, to be five again.

Waitlist Notification!

2010-12-15T15:47:00.000-05:00

This email, my friends, is one of the most beautiful things I've ever received.

Waitlist Notification for 28850

Dear Ashley ,
A seat is now available in 28850 ANTH 432 001 Anthropology Warfare/Violence - a course for which you are currently waitlisted. If you would like to register for this section, please go to MyUTK and add the section as soon as possible. You have until 14-DEC-2010 09:43 PM. Your opportunity to add will expire at that time.

If you have ever put yourself on a waitlist for a class that you really wanted and checked your email and online class scheduler like 100 million times a day, then you know how awesome it feels to find out that you did in fact get into the class! Dear God it is a beautiful thing.

I literally almost jumped off my bed out of sheer excitement.

Why in the world would I be so excited about an anthropology class about warfare and violence? I don't really know the answer. What I do know is that I enjoy cultural anthropology a lot. A lot, a lot.

Emails from the Registrar's Office are wonderful early Christmas presents.

Counting

2010-12-14T00:05:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have one of those moments when you experience at least two or more emotions/feelings at the same time?

Well, that just happened to me. I was watching the news in silly hopes that the weather would lighten up tomorrow. And by lighten up, I mean warm up.

All of a sudden, I found myself incredibly sad that the low for tomorrow will be 10 degrees, with -10 to 0 wind chills. It's only supposed to get up to around 20.

Immediately, alongside the sadness and a yearning to give my extra unused blankets, jackets, and sweaters to the homeless people that I know are living on the streets, I realized that I had just tapped into a vast chasm of thankfulness.

I do have unused blankets. I do have "bottom of the dresser drawer" and "top of the closet" jackets and sweaters. There are people right now that are sleeping out in the cold and ice, though they may have tried to gain access to one of the local shelters.

I am inside my parents' house, with my warm jamjams and extra blankets on my bed, and two cats to keep me warm. The heat coming from the vent lies a foot away from me on the floor.

My heart aches because at this present moment, I can't do anything to help. But the first chance I get, I'm donating my unused coats and sweaters and blankets to the nearest shelter. I don't need them, but there are those who do.

I don't want the homeless, the cold, and the hungry to be left out this Advent, this Christmas season. So while I am being thankful for the countless blessings in my life, I also realize that there are people who have less than I do. I pray that they find shelter from the wind and cold, a jacket to keep them warm, food to fill their bellies. I pray that God will keep them safe tonight and every frigid night. I pray that God will guide me to do what He needs me to do for all my brothers and sisters.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. -Matthew 5:3

Nerdfest #3

2010-12-13T16:48:00.001-05:00

Has the jury reached a verdict?

Yes, your Honor. We have.

The verdict is that my final grades have been posted! I received 3 regular old A's and a B+. A select few humans have given me crap about the B+, but if they only knew how hard paleobiology was...

Anyway, I'm super thrilled with the results of this semester, given all of the difficulties! I've been enjoying my free time these past few days...meaning I have done absolutely nothing.

It snowed yesterday and last night/early morning, so it was nice and white out today. Here's a link to something rather hilarious, but be forewarned, it contains words that you wouldn't use in church! So don't go here if you're bothered by bad words. It is a fitting description of the weather conditions yesterday. Now, though, it is just windy and cold, with rays of sunshine here and there.

I broke out the long johns today, folks. Long johns are awesome. They are in the top tier of my most favorite things list. I had to wear them mostly because my jeans have huge holes in the knees, and I didn't want to lose my kneecaps to the below freezing (wind chill included!) temperature today.

Seriousness will follow, maybe even later tonight. Who knows. I have a bout of the lazies, and it has to run its course.

And Nerdfests are always fun, especially if legal jargon and long johns are included.

We find the defendant guilty of nerdyness in the first degree.

Dog Days Are Over

2010-12-07T17:12:00.001-05:00

I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE!

Okay, whew. I got it out of my system. If you can't tell, I am finished with my fall semester. I can't believe it, really. It took forever.

No more fossils, taphonomy, Raup's parameters, pleiotropy, synapomorphy, Uniformitarianism, Cuvier's Law of Coordinated parts, ancient marine sediments, facies, WYSIWYG, histories of newspaper, radio, & internet, public relations, book publishing, guest speakers, transition metal chemistry, electrochemistry, entropy, enthalpy, Gibbs free energy, colligative properties, molality, calorimetry, redox reactions, acid-base reactions, titrations, buffers, Malinowski's hypothesis, the 3 population demographics of American Indians, Windigo psychosis, Takonga society, wacipi, artistic styles of Plains Indians, requirements of being a federally recognized tribe.

Yeah, all that and more! Everything in the list above comes from one of my 4 classes that I took this semester. Though it is a complaining block of type, I actually did enjoy my North American Indian anthropology class. A lot.

The Communication and Information class...eh, not as much as anthro, but it wasn't too bad.

Paleobiology and chemistry = no enjoyment whatsoever...unless the professor made a funny. Which did happen often in paleo.

Interestingly enough, I have discovered that a lot of what I learned in paleo & anthro applies to more things than I realized. I've been able to read a few National Geographic articles with tie-ins to both classes, and I understood more of what I read because of my education. Now that is cool.

However, this semester was incredibly challenging in all aspects: physically, mentally, emotionally. I am glad it is over. Now I have over a month off.

Yes, over ONE MONTH OFF!

Now, if you need help identifying moccasins or dresses as Cheyenne, Lakota, Crow, Blackfoot, Apache, Kiowa, or Ute, you just let me know. If you need help with fossil identification, I probably won't do you much good, but I still like looking at rocks and fossils!

The dog days are over! Happiness has hit me like a train on a track...

Might I suggest you check out Florence and The Machine's "Dog Days Are Over"...here. It's an excellent song.

Here's To You Paleo!

2010-12-06T10:39:00.001-05:00

I'm sort of back after a week long hiatus. And no, I didn't fall off the face of the earth. I've just been trapped by notes, books, old exams, and awesomely made Excel charts because I have been studying for finals since Wednesday.

I took my paleobiology final today. For the most part, it was fairly easy. There was one question though, that I had absolutely no idea how to answer. You see, I missed the lecture on mass extinctions because I stayed up really late to go to the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 premiere. It was totally worth it, and I would do it again. Besides, it was just a 5 point question.

The question asked something about the significance of the Signor-Lipps effect and interpreting mass extinctions. I remember reading about it from my quick glance at my friend's notes (she sent me her notes from the day I missed, and I did the same for her).
But I forgot to reread them last night. And there was nothing about the Signor-Lipps effect on the study guide, so naturally I forgot all about it because I hadn't been looking at the material covering it.

When I started to b.s. an answer, I couldn't even do that. So I decided to be honest and wrote, "I'll be honest with you, I missed the mass extinction lecture because I went to the Harry Potter premiere."

I hope I at least earn a good chuckle from the professor. It would be awesome to get some kind of credit, but even earning 1 point doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell.

I'm not done yet. More substance filled posts will come. All I have left is to study for chemistry and anthropology, knock out those finals which are tomorrow, and pack up for the Christmas/winter break.

Have a drink on me, for now. I am still underage you see. But the song by AC/DC is incredibly fitting for finishing off paleobiology. ONCE AND FOR ALL. I'm done with paleo! I'm done! I'm done!

Here's to you, paleo!

A Whole Lotta Nothin'

2010-11-29T13:05:00.001-05:00

At around 1:45 Wednesday afternoon, a small sampling of my looming freedom greeted me as I walked out of the chemistry building. My last class was over extremely early because we had nothing to do but course evaluations. As a bonus for showing up on a day when most people cut class and leave campus, my TA gave those of us who showed up 5 extra points on our lab final. Not to brag, but holy mackerel I made a 98. Not many people pass or even do well on the Chem 130 lab final, but apparently I pulled that out of the, uh, fire.

My Thanksgiving break was full of a whole lotta nothing. It was exactly what I needed too. I literally did nothing but lay around in my pajamas for most of the day, showered way later than I usually do, watched movies, and decorated the house for Christmastime. I did throw in sporadic bits of working on my only assignment over the break...a 5 page paper about radiolarians. I was on the 4th page when I got back to campus last night, and I finished at 11:45p.m. I couldn't print it in my room because I have no ink, so this morning I printed if off in the library and with 5 minutes to spare, showed up to class only to find out that my suspicions were confirmed. The paper was due ON TUESDAY. Not Monday. Tuesday. The TAs said the paper would be due on the last day of class. A lot of us were confused. Did that mean the last day of paleo or the last day of classes? Those are two different days: Monday and Tuesday, respectively. Anyway, now I can take today to really proofread my paper and polish it off. I essentially gave up towards the end mostly because I didn't care much about the morphology of radiolarians. I just pray for personal acceptance of whatever my grade may be.

Here are some shots of my break. It was wonderful for a lot of reasons. Family, especially quick visits from family members you don't see ever. Food. Rest. Movies. Dogs. Cats. Couches. Sleeping in until 10a.m. You know the drill...a whole lotta nothin'!

Our cousin Zack came by for an overnight visit. He was on his way home from his latest job trip, and his way home took him right by us! I can't remember the last time I saw him before this visit, and it was really nice seeing him again.

Cousins on the couch plus Charlie, who is the center of the universe. We're just missing 3 other cousins: Luke (Zack's younger brother...I'm older by 2 days!), Charlotte, and Matthew (the other Aunt's kids).

It's not the most flattering shot of either of us, but I love my Charlie dog!

While I have been away, Squeak has found a new favorite spot. I think she believes that laying on the animal print makes her invisible.

Tomorrow is the last day of classes. Then finals begin. I have one on Monday morning and two on Tuesday. So my last day of the Fall 2010 semester will be December 7th. I'm so excited that I don't think you can understand. It's not the usual, "yay you're done with school so of course you're thrilled." It's more than that, but that explanation will come in another post, I promise...I've been meaning to write it for awhile now.

Leaves!

2010-11-23T16:43:00.001-05:00

This is the view from outside/around my dorm. It's very yellow.

It was especially cool yesterday because it was windy. Leaves were going everywhere! It was like being in a yellow tornado that wasn't very dangerous.

This morning's weather was quite different as it rained hardcore. I left my dorm knowing it would rain later in the morning, so I am glad that I was mostly prepared for what was yet to come. It started to spit right before I got to my first class. During the test, it started to really come down. We could hear it loud and clear in the huge auditorium.

After my friend and I finished taking the test, we walked out into a deluge. She forgot her rain jacket but luckily had an umbrella. I have a rain jacket that is big enough to cover me and my backpack (thanks Fr. David, you'll never know how appreciative I am of your rain jacket generosity). I look like a turtle, but hey, it gets the job done. I hate wet backpacks.

What I did not have, however, were my rain pants. My jeans were soaking wet because it was raining so hard and the wind was blowing it sideways at some points along my journey home. Luckily I wore my Tevas, so when my feet got wet, I didn't care.

The only perilous part of my walk home was the courtyard full of leaves. Wet leaves are a sodden death trap for any who have the ill fortune of walking across them. I didn't bust it this time, but I know I will someday. Those wet leaves are also the only reason to not like all of the awesome yellow being everywhere in the courtyard.

I still love you though, ginkgo leaves. See you in the spring!

20/20

2010-11-21T12:56:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was my golden birthday. I turned 20 on 20.

It didn't hit me that I was 20 until halfway through the day when I was on the phone with my Dad, while driving in the car with my Dad (more specifically, Fr. David). What? Yes, the fact that I have 3 fathers will be explained in a later post.

I mean, I knew yesterday was my birthday, and I knew how old I would be...I guess it just didn't sink in. On the phone, Dad said "do you feel old? You're 20 now. You're not a teenager anymore!"

"What?! Oh wow! I'm not a teenager anymore. I am 20 years old. Eww! That's so weird. I'm a big girl now." Or at least it went something like that. Meanwhile, Fr. David chuckled as I came to terms with my revelation. FD later asked me if I had any words of wisdom now that I have had two decades here on Earth.

At the time, I had nothing off the cuff to say except to recount one thing that I learned that morning. When I turned on the TV to find something to watch while I ate breakfast, Kingdom of Heaven was on. It is one of my all-time favorite movies, so naturally I watched the 45ish minutes that were left.

I started watching at the part where Jerusalem's army is being sent off to fight Saladin and his ever-encroaching army. Because the king is dumb and power-hungry and has an obvious lack of common sense, Balian knows that they will be riding to certain death. He stays behind to defend the people of Jerusalem. He sees his friend the Hospitaller in the line to leave, and they have the following conversation:

Balian of Ibelin: You go with the army?
Hospitaller: My order is with the army.
Balian of Ibelin: You go to certain death.
Hospitaller: All death is certain. I shall tell your father what I've seen you become.
[rides away]

What I had never realized before in the many times that I've watched this film is the true meaning of what Hospitaller says. Balian sees the futility and the risk of riding into battle, leaving food and water sources. He knows what will happen. And so does Hospitaller.

Balian knows that death is certain as he has seen enough of it. But I think he doesn't really understand. The wiser Hospitaller does know though.

All death is certain, for each and every one of us. No matter what we are doing...if we are riding into a predictable battle outcome or staying behind to defend the city or driving across the country or crossing the street. Death is certain for each of us.

Whoa. That is an interesting thing to finally understand on your birthday of all days. But as I see it, it is a good way to appreciate life.

In two decades (that is still weird to say!), I have been blessed with many wonderful people and things. So far I have had a pretty good life, and I am thankful. It was a humbling yet fun and excellent birthday.

Birthday!

2010-11-18T14:41:00.000-05:00

I am almost finished with my 14th week of classes. I can taste the finish line (the 17th week), though its taste is tainted by mixed-citrus cough drops.

I've been in a schoolwork lull, so to speak, and other than having a cold, I have enjoyed my sort of free time. Judging by my calendar, the lull ends this weekend after my birthday. I have a chemistry lab final on Monday, a communication & information test on Tuesday, and then Thanksgiving break. I can't classify that break as a lull in work because I will most likely be working on my 5 page paper about radiolarians for my paleobiology lab. That, my friends, will be a ton of fun.

And that last sentence was thick with sarcasm.

So to finish this week and start celebrating my 20th birthday early (which will be my "golden" birthday!), I am going to see the premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 tonight/Friday morning.

I am going to take a nap. Hopefully I will have more to blog about soon!

Being Thankful

2010-11-12T11:10:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I found myself incredibly thankful for all of the many blessings God has granted me.

Every morning and night when I pray, and even during the day with my little random bursts of prayer, I always find something to be thankful for. Last night, I wondered if God ever got tired of hearing me say thanks all of the time. Personally, I don't get tired of hearing thank-yous, but I know that on rare occasions, I don't always enjoy hearing the same story over and over again.

Then, as if to answer my wandering mind, last night's reflection said:

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's Will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Ingratitude is the enemy of our immortal souls. Ingratitude empties our souls of merit, scatters their virtues, and deprives them of graces. - St. Bernard

God appreciates many things, of this I am sure. Now I know that yes, even though to me it seems rather repetitive, God loves it when I say thank you. He loves it when we all say thank you!

Yesterday, I went to bed all happy and warm and fuzzy and thankful for many reasons. I know I said that at the beginning of this post, but I must reiterate goodness! I think the biggest source for all of that happiness started when I made a mixed CD for my friend. You see, about a month ago I promised Katie Ann that I would burn her a copy of a CD we listened to in my car. I totally forgot about it until yesterday afternoon when I had plenty of free time to do whatever.

I planned on dropping it off in her room on my way to the library. Where she lives now (not in a dorm), it is easy for me to just waltz in inconspicuously. My goal was to put the CD where she would find it and hope that she would figure out it was me. But to my surprise, she and our friend Genoa were in her room already! I completely surprised them when I magically appeared in the doorway.

It was funny, with the sort of cheerful shouts and "Ashley Siferd!" and hugs going on. I don't think they'll ever know how happy I was to see them and witness their reactions. It always feels good to know that you are loved.

It made my day, my year, heck...it made my life. I am thankful for wonderful friends, especially Katie Ann and Genoa.

A Holy Heart

2010-11-10T10:33:00.001-05:00

"The temple of God is holy, and that is what you are." - 1 Corinthians 3:17

When Christ came, He banished the devil from our hearts, in order to build in them a temple for Himself. Let us then do what we can with His help, so that our evil deeds will not deface that temple. - St. Caesarius of Arles

I have struggled as of late with the inability to keep my heart open and clear of obstructions. It wasn't until last night's reflection when I fully realized that, though it is not always easy to do, I must keep my heart, my temple, clean and full of light.

If I don't allow my heart to be open, then I shut out the Light that is trying to enter. It becomes not a temple of light for Christ but a temple of something dark for sin.

I went to bed the other night with a very angry, upset heart. I could not calm down. And I don't enjoy not being able to do so. I guess the other evening was just a breaking point for me (the millionth time this issue has come up, only this time it was magnified), but luckily for me and those involved that my resolve didn't crack.

It could have been very ugly, not just in words potentially said but in the feelings that I would inevitably harbor inside after the fact.

I have so much to be thankful for! Why let some dumb, idiotic, stupid, pointless issue cloud my judgment? My feelings? My very being?

My life is full of decent grades, an almost over semester, interesting fall weather, quirky yet lovable friends, a family that loves me no matter what, a car that works, a home, horses, dogs, cats, and visiting family members that I hardly see.

The issue will go away eventually. Until then, I will just have to work harder on keeping my temple clean and full of light. If not, Christ can't enter. I strive to have a holy heart.

Nerdfest #2

2010-11-04T16:41:00.002-04:00

I have basically had no life since, um, this Sunday. After I got home from Mass, all I did was study for hours. No joke guys, it took me 4 hours to do 2 chapters worth of chemistry problems. Can you say B-O-R-I-N-G? Yawntastic. Frustration-central.

My chemistry test tonight is over weak acids and bases (which is only half of the acid/base equilibria chapter), aqueous equilibria, thermochemistry, and chemical thermodynamics. I think I just died a little when I reread that. But I have been studying a lot, been quite the studious little Ashley every day since Sunday. Here is just a taste of what I will most likely see tonight...

Yesterday afternoon, however, a little of my resolve cracked. To an observer, I may have looked like a total jerk because I wasn't paying attention in chemistry discussion. The TA and a few students took most of the class period to do the SAME PROBLEM 3 different ways. After the millionth attempt at reaching the answer, I casually threw in that the exact problem we were doing from some random worksheet was in fact, in the book. "Yes, we know that, but..."

My poor TA was just having a bad day, and he misunderstood what the goal of the actual problem was. A few other students in the class only exacerbated the problem by asking repetitive questions. I had already answered the problem correctly, so I felt justified in tuning out.

I thought I was going to shoot myself. Instead of offing myself, though, I started doodling. At first, I just did this curvy little line, and then I realized that I could actually turn it into something cool...

Nerdfest alert! I turned a squiggle into a dinosaur. Then I went a step further and turned it into a "gaited" dinosaur. I only did that because for the first time in my life, I can finally remember what a gaited horse is. Not that you care, but whatever. To all of my horse-knowledgeable friends, I hope this answer is an adequate description. Gaited is when two legs on the same side of the horse move forward together. Like my right arm and right leg moving forward at the same time, etc.

But the fun doodling is not over yet! And the having no life part isn't over yet! I have an anthropology abstract due on the same day as our second test, which is this coming Tuesday. Here is the list of tribes that we have to have memorized. I'm thankful that he didn't make us learn all ~560 federally recognized tribes. This list only has 138 on there. I've got them all memorized by area.

Oh such is the life of a nerdy college student. I lead such an exciting life.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2010-10-29T11:17:00.001-04:00

Have you ever been so paralyzed with fear that even though you want to stop, you can't?

A few days ago, as I was walking to chemistry lab, I had such an experience. I was almost in front of the entrance to a building when a bunch of people came out. My ill-timed departure from my dorm had me walking in a mass of students who were just let out of class.

That isn't the scary part. I don't have crowd-ophobia, I just would rather walk unhindered without being pressed in on all sides by foreign bodies. I like my space, you know?

Anyway, at the head of the burgeoning crowd was a small herd of rather large football players. I mean, it was like walking into a forest full of Sequoia trees or a tiny gathering of elephants or giraffes around a watering hole. Those boys are huge! I know they aren't twice as tall as I am, but it sure feels like it when I look up. And of course some of the linemen's legs are almost as big as I am wide.

Needless to say, I felt very small and squashable near them. Not having a very good escape route also added to my paralyzed-yet-still-moving moment. The guys had walked in such a way that there were tiny gaps between them. I could tell that I would barely be able to fit through them, but it would take some skill. I don't intentionally like bumping into people.

For a few seconds though, I was mentally paralyzed out of fear. I wanted to stop and be like a rock in the middle of a stream or a tree in the forest that every creature must walk around. I never actually stopped. I was more like, should I stay or should I go?

I hope you don't take this post as any kind of admission that I am afraid of big football players. I am not. I mean, I used to take pictures at high school football games and had to avoid being steam-rolled a few times (and yes I know, college players are much bigger than high school players). I have also watched one college football game from the sidelines with no problem.

A few weeks ago, I had a similar moment as the one above, only this time it involved a bicyclist. I was about to cross the pedestrian bridge when I heard the bike coming from the other side. I looked up and realized that we were on the same invisible line/path. Oh no! I was too close to the wooden rail to move to the right, and if I moved to the left toward the concrete pillar, he would have had no room to maneuver. There were too many people to my left and not enough time to get out of the way. Should I stay still and let him figure it out, or do I try to move?

I don't even know how it happened but I just barely moved in time for him to come through without hitting the concrete pillar, the other people, and me. As a side note, though, I should add that he was going entirely too fast over the bridge. It's common sense that foot traffic is rather high, and the width of the bridge can only comfortably accommodate 4-5 people, less if there is a bike involved. Basically, he was being a jerk. No consideration for the rest of us!

After my horrific incidents of terror were over, I experienced different emotions. It was more of a general sense of wonder after the football player moment, and I was just plain annoyed with the bicyclist.

There is no point to this post, other than to share my near death experiences with you. I hope you avoid bicyclists, and I hope that you find your way through a crowd of football players.

*Note - the UT football pictures I took are from "media day" 2 years ago (the last season Fulmer was head coach)...I'm not entirely sure who is still on the team! I'm a terrible fan, I know.

"Room to Fall"

2010-10-28T13:42:00.001-04:00

I don't know if I have ever really had a favorite musician. I mostly just have favorite genres. That was the case until Erick Baker, a Knoxville-based artist, came along.

Ever since I first heard Erick's music in 2007, I was hooked. It's awesome to say the least. His latest album, Holding the Pieces in Place, is incredible. You should check it out. Actually, you should buy it.

"Room to Fall" is my favorite song. If you want to hear it, you'll have to visit this link, which goes to his music Myspace page. In the music player, find "Room to Fall" which should be the second song, assuming the lineup doesn't change.

If you don't want to listen, just read the lyrics below. I think you'll see why it's my favorite.

Written by Erick Baker
Published by Two Left Feet Music (ASCAP)

You can’t outrun your shadow
Believe me because I’ve tried
And a change in your reflection
Don’t change a thing that’s inside

I know its painful to remember
But the past is there to help us learn
Like the child who hurts his finger
Before believing that fire burns

I would not have gotten up
If you had not let me fall
No I would not have gotten up
If you had not given me room to fall

Sometimes the destination
Don’t mean as much as what brought you there
All the wrong turns I’ve made
Were the only way to get me here

I would not have gotten up
If you had not let me fall
No I would not have gotten up
If you had not given me room to fall

You picked me up by letting me fall

I would not have gotten up
If you had not let me fall
No I would not have gotten up
If you had not given me room to fall

Watched Empty Water Troughs Never Fill

2010-10-25T11:03:00.002-04:00

You know that saying, a watched pot never boils?

Well guess what? Did you know that a watched empty water trough never fills?!

It's true. While I was at the barn, one of the water troughs in a pasture behind the barn needed to be filled. We were able to hook up the hoses, and they just barely reached. They just barely reached enough that someone had to stand there and hold the hose. I didn't volunteer for the job but just assumed the hose holder job position for the evening.

I've done it enough times that I don't even care anymore that I have to stay stationary for who knows how long. And people usually filter away, leaving one alone with the hose, empty trough, and what seems like an impossible feat to accomplish.

Depending on water pressure and the length the water has to travel from the spigot, you could be out there for a while. We usually just put enough hose into the trough so that we can walk away and do other tasks, but this time, that was not in the realm of possibilities. I literally could only place about 2-3 inches of the hose inside the trough. And like usual, I ended up standing out there in solitude.

Sometimes the monotony of filling/cleaning water troughs is broken up by friendly and always welcomed visits from whoever is in the pasture. This time, though, I received no such visit from Chester and Dodge, who were happily munching on hay that was on the other side of the pasture.

For the first time ever in my history of filling water troughs, I actually took my block of time and lack of distractions and did something productive. I just kind of meandered a prayer along, if you can imagine that. I don't even remember what it was about. But it was apparently a good time because God knew (though I did not) that I was listening. And then, smack!, I realized something. Rather, I learned something.

Patience is a really beautiful thing to have, to witness, to be. You also must put in effort if you want to have it and to be it.

I know that I have been given countless opportunities to learn this amazingly simple piece of knowledge, but it only really sunk in while I was at the barn. You see, before I had to fill the water trough, we had to bring in all of the horses for the night.

We went out to the pasture to bring in some of the boys. Two of them, Jessie and Frankie, were at the very back of the pasture. I purposefully grabbed the tiniest halter/lead rope because I knew who it belonged to. Usually I just grab whichever halter my hand lands on or whichever horse that I know no one else wants to bring in, but that night I deliberately sought out Frankie's halter as I walked up to the fence line.

Frankie is a little 6 month old colt. He is part of a group of 4 that came in about 3 weeks ago. The puzzling thing about this scenario for me is that Frankie's mother was nowhere to be found when Horse Haven went out to pick up the group. It's my understanding that she wasn't out there, that Frankie was probably taken from his momma very early. You can wean a horse as little as 4 months according to some, and I guess that's what happened.

Anyway, I learned that before I saw him. When I finally saw him, I couldn't believe that somebody so little was having to brave the world alone. He's just so tiny, so small. He hardly seems old enough to be alone. I guess I'm just used to seeing mommas and babies together when they come here, and even then they're still together for awhile. Frankie is very weak due to a lack of proper care and nutrition. Because he hasn't been eating properly, his whole growth situation is all wonky.

God, I hope that little boy makes it. I came home from the barn the evening I met him, and I cried while saying a prayer. It's not fair. He deserves a chance to live. And he has been given that chance now that he's with Horse Haven.

He's been with us for 3-ish weeks, and on the slow re-feeding program, he appears to be getting better. He's still "slow out of the gate" but he hobbles along. He is a very spunky little guy when his personality shows.

Which brings me to the reason I mentioned Frankie. When I grabbed his halter and saw that he was way out back, I knew that we would take some time getting to the barn. Frankie quite literally has to take those small, baby steps. I told the others to go ahead and walk down to the barn, that we would be a little slow and not to bother waiting for us. While we walked, I talked to Frankie, guiding him along, though I'm sure he would follow anyone of us just like puppies would. He's incredibly trusting, given his circumstances. "We're in no hurry little guy...baby steps...good boy!...we'll get there when we get there, no worries."

And I really meant all that I said. For once, in what feels like a long time, I honestly was in no hurry. And neither was Frankie. We plodded along with not a care in the world. When we finally reached the barn door, most everyone was there waiting, all gooey/ga-ga eyed over the sweetest little colt we've ever seen...you know the drill. I walked into the stall, shut the door, and took the lead rope off. Then he whinnied at me! "I know what time it is Ashley...now go get my food please!" There is that personality I was telling you about.

My walk with Frankie was the epitome of a lesson in patience. I couldn't and wouldn't do anything to make him go faster. And I didn't feel like I had to. There was no rush. It felt incredibly good to just walk at Frankie's pace.

That night, I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary, just the normal chores to do. Each time I go out to the barn, I walk away feeling like I did something good, that I helped the horses. This time though, they helped me. Frankie, specifically, was my teacher. I'm always in a hurry. Always have to get this done now, not later (for the most part anyway). Always have to be early, not on time, early. Always going faster faster faster.

Learning to be patient with Frankie was the real meat of the lesson. Standing silently and patiently filling the water trough was icing on the cake. It gave me time to think about the lesson God was teaching me at that moment.

Sometimes God teaches us invaluable lessons through the most mundane, mediocre jobs out there. I would know. It seems as if I learn a lot that way, actually.

I thank the Lord for empty water troughs that never seem to fill, hoses that just barely reach, and 6 month old colts. Without them, I would never learn anything.

Swagga Like Us

2010-10-22T10:53:00.000-04:00

If you've never heard the M.I.A. song "Paper Planes", well, then you probably don't get the connection between the post title and song. It's not a song that your Granny would listen to, but I love it.

Towards the end of the song, she raps/sings this line: No one on the corner has swagger like us

The Merriam-Webster definition stinks, so I went to the always helpful urbandictonary.com. Their many user provided definitions are quite helpful and obviously fit the present day, most common use of the word. Note that I typed in "swagga" instead of "swagger" because I like spelling the former as opposed to the latter. Essentially, they are the same word, but Urban Dictionary has slightly different definitions.

Swagga - how you present yourself to the world; the things that define a person's character; how someone goes about things; the way you carry yourself, the way your attitude is toward others

Sometime ago in the summer, I posted that song line as my Facebook status, which made me smile and a few of my friends laugh electronically. Yes, such a thing is possible. Anyway, I never would have thought to apply the word swagga to a serious situation in life.

As my friend and I were driving past the library and the pedestrian walkway, which is a haven/hot spot for all manner of protests and demonstrations on campus, I noticed that the "abortion people" were out again. The campus heaves a collective groan and plans out routes to avoid them.

They show up periodically throughout the academic year. Sometimes they put up a massive display of photographs depicting bloody fetuses and slogans like "Abortion kills", "Abortion is wrong", etc. One time last year, they erected a huge cube with gigantic, 1/3 billboard sized photographs of bloody fetuses and the like. They handed out little pamphlets, and they preached about how abortion is wrong, repent!, God doesn't like it, blah blah blah.

Because of where my classes are located this semester, my route to class doesn't take me by the library or the pedestrian walkway. So yesterday was the first time that I saw them at all this semester, if but for only a few brief seconds. The gray-haired woman was holding...guess...a picture of a bloody fetus. The impact still lingers.

And I am hurt. And disgusted.

The anti-abortion people's swagga, to apply my word of the day, is not like mine. As a Christian, as a human being, I was hurt and appalled that they thought they could "bring people to Christ" by holding pictures of lifeless fetuses.

My friend aptly stated, "Please stop making the world hate Christianity. Abortion pictures don't bring people to Christ." She's right. It doesn't lead people to Christ. I think it would lead them away. I'm slightly led away from their message. Okay, not slightly. I'm at the other end of the world away from them. That's what Christians are all about? Surely not.

It is in my opinion a stupid way to try and bring others to Christ. Love and peace and prayer bring people to Christ. Not depictions of death and insults and condemnation. Fire and brimstone! Fire and brimstone to you college kids! The way they are presenting their beliefs to the world seems completely insane. Asinine.

I rant as if I am perfect, and I know I am not. I just know that I would never do such a thing. My swagga isn't the best at times, but no one on the corner has swagger like them, for sure.

Nerdfest #1

2010-10-20T11:27:00.005-04:00

I have known for years now that I am what you may consider a nerd. I don't think I am the Merriam-Webster definition but to varying degrees I am a nerd.

And I like being one. It is who I am. Believe you me, though, it isn't always a walk in the park. When I'm affectionately made fun of for the little or big things that I do, I 99.9% of the time enjoy it. I don't know if I can even accurately describe the feeling, but I'll try.

Being affectionately made fun of actually makes me happy. What? Yes. Because the person who is doing the making fun of usually identifies with me...or they're just as nerdy in that aspect! Take Harry Potter as an example. Yesterday I was lamenting about writing my lab outline. Lab outlines are not hard, but they're boring. They are required because the lab instructors & TA's want proof that we read the lab beforehand. I also wanted to take a nap during homework time instead of doing homework. I said to my friend Jade, who was also working on some laborious assignment, "Potions would be more fun than writing out this lab outline."

Teehee! Cue giggly nerd laughter. But wait!!! I don't even know how we jumped from me whining to making a list, but by God we did. We suddenly found ourselves trying to find the Hogwarts/wizarding world equivalent of our classes here at UT.

You may respectfully and/or playfully disagree with our list, and we may take your suggestions into consideration. It is a work in progress. But this is legit guys. It's the real McCoy.

Ancient Runes = any foreign language

Potions = chemistry

Divinations = a combination of philosophy, religious studies, & astronomy

Care of Magical Creatures = animal science

Charms = physics

Defense Against the Dark Arts = a combination of criminal justice & forensics

History of Magic = medieval studies (or any history class really)

Muggle Studies = anthropology

A few weeks ago, I also had another Harry Potter moment with some other friends. This is from Facebook: "Hey that's just like the Unbreakable Vow scene. I'm Bellatrix Lestrange, Tim is Snape, and Sarah is Narcissa Malfoy! Only they used their pinky fingers, not wands." If you don't know anything about that particular scene, well, read the 6th book! Or you can watch it here.

Anyway, our little situation wasn't nearly as dire, rainy, black, and creepy as the scene from the movie. But you get the idea. I said the aforementioned quote aloud, and then posted it on Facebook. My sister April commented, "And you and your friends always thought that I was the one who was a wee bit looney." My Dad "liked" my sister's comment.

See? I'm just a barrel of nerdy laughs wherever I go. I still laugh when I think about it all.

Which brings me to a few important announcements:

1) I did not mean to post about Harry Potter two times in a row. It just happened. Making up for lost time, I guess.
2) I'm going to try to do a "Nerdfest" series. By acknowledging my nerdy attributes/qualities/gifts, I am thanking God for making me who I am. Because I am happy with me. I want to share my thanks with the world.

HP Trailers!

2010-10-18T11:10:00.000-04:00

Okay, obviously I'm not doing anything productive. Unless you count doing things that make you happy productive, well, then I'm on a roll!

I just looked to see if I had ever posted about Harry Potter, and I found that I haven't! Shame on me. Such a grievous crime have I committed.

Because I LOVE HARRY POTTER. I'm so excited! Part 1 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows comes out the day before my birthday (wink wink...). I can't tell you how many times I've seen the trailers, of which there are two "theater length" ones that I have come across so far. TV shmeevee spots. I like to see more than 30 seconds!

It is my goal to reread the 7th book before the movie comes out. I've only read Deathly Hallows once, so I definitely need a refresher. I daresay that rereading the 7th book is more important than studying or doing homework! Not really...but that statement is pretty close to the truth.

I think my favorite book in the series is either the 4th or 5th one. It's probably the truth because they're the ones I've read the most. Though, nothing can compare to the first book where we first glimpse Harry's world.

I'm sad that I didn't get my letter to Hogwarts. But I'll take a college education too.

I embedded the two trailers below. If you haven't seen them yet, watch them! If you already have, watch them again!

On a side note, if the movie score is anything like the trailer music (sometimes it isn't the same stuff), then I will definitely purchase the score.

Trailer #1

Trailer #2

You Learn As You Go

2010-10-13T11:06:00.002-04:00

I haven't been much of a country music listener since, oh, maybe the age of 10 or 11. I grew up with it, and I like it okay. My professed musical tastes include a little bit of everything, but I probably have less "modern" country than everything else. Actually, I know I have less country in my iTunes library. The country music that I grew up with, I still enjoy listening to. In fact, I think it was (still is?) better than what is out today.

Why am I talking about country music? Good question. I have the answer, but even now I still am puzzled that I even thought about it this morning.

While I was in the shower, a verse from an old (1992 - okay, it feels old) John Michael Montgomery song randomly popped into my head. The words and the music were very clear and distinct. Odd, I thought. I haven't heard this song in years.

Why would I suddenly remember part of a song that I don't know all of the words to?

Ding! A little timer/light bulb/whatever went off in my head. God was telling me something. And I was actually listening and paying attention to catch it.

Okay then God. What is it exactly that you're trying to tell me? Then the verse sounded clear and distinct again (in my head).

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry 'bout what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go

Yes. I see now. All along I have been cognizant of sometimes leading, sometimes following. Only I feel silly that I just now truly grasped the significance of the following. While I don't dance, I do understand the concept of leading and following.

There have been and will be times when I must lead. Times when the task at hand to be in charge of is something that I don't want to do, something that's unpleasant, something that's challenging, something that feels just out of reach for me to accomplish. Oh and then throw in having to make sure that others who I'm leading are following along, well, jeez, makes life more difficult at times. Or easier depending on the situation and the people.

Then there are times when I will want to lead, when I am excited about being the leader, I know I can be a good leader for this particular thing, or when the task/situation/people involved are just so awesome and worthwhile that I am thrilled at the possibilities...sometimes I don't get to be leader at all of those times. That's when I have to be a follower. In those times, being a follower is harder than it would be if I was a leader of a crappy brigade of whatever-ness.

Of course there are instances when I have to be a follower in craptastic situations and tasks. Sometimes a good leader is present, other times not so much. It's all one big cyclical yet random blob of confusion and clarity. At the base of it all is simply not always knowing what is going to happen next. I may be fortunate or not.

And to the other line, yes, I need to stop worrying about what I don't know. That statement applies to many facets of life, but it's hard sometimes to not want to know everything all of the time. It's consumes too much time and energy that could be positively spent elsewhere.

Sometimes I dislike lessons (both in school/class situations and in life itself) where the only way I can learn is by simply going. I'm human and impatient so I like getting what I need to learn right now. Boom boom done. Lesson learned! On to the next one...

But this morning was a pleasant wake up call. I think I'm going to start hating less on learning as I go and just embrace it.

Of all places to have an epiphany of this magnitude, the shower? God really does work in mysterious ways. Obviously He knows what I don't. Perhaps I was just in tune to the right frequency this morning. Of course God is going to say something if I'm listening, even if I don't realize it at first.

Boys Will Be Boys

2010-10-08T09:43:00.002-04:00

Oh Charlie dog, this is a flattering picture

Among the many reasons I enjoy Fall Break, these photographs are a few reasons why. It was excellent weather outside yesterday afternoon. Kayla and I went outside to play, and naturally the boys (Rocky and Charlie) came too. Oh yeah, and TinkTink the cat did too, but once the dogs started rough-housing, she fled under the pool deck.

Rocky found this beat up lamb stuffed animal, and once Charlie saw it, all craziness broke loose. There was all manner of grunting, barking, snapping, growling, and general frivolity going on the backyard yesterday. At one point, Charlie actually wrestled the toy from Rocky and took off. Both boys did laps around the yard, chasing each other.

If you won't let me have the toy, I'll just sit on your head.

After all the running around, Charlie wanted a drink. The way he drinks out of the water bucket is a little less than conventional. He didn't think I was looking.

Go Away Annoyance!

2010-10-06T10:28:00.001-04:00

"A person who is patient is better than a warrior; and one who controls his temper is better than one who captures a city." -Proverbs 16:32

Human beings must have patience with one another. And the good people are those who bear the defects of others in the best way. -St. Francis de Sales

Long-suffering God, help me to have patience with others and with myself in all circumstances. Let me imitate Your long-suffering in whatever may befall me every day.

This reflection was both surprising but needed. I do suffer from lack of patience issues and often don't control my temper. I feel that some of my rants that I've had lately could have been better managed by yours truly. The way I see them, reflecting on them now, is that they are smaller forms of temper control problems.

I know that I'm not the only one suffering from this. I know there are others who are trying to turn the other cheek, to be more patient when others don't understand us. I honestly am just trying to good, not make someone's life miserable. If someone has an issue with me, it is probably because they aren't taking the time to understand where I am coming from (I know that has happened to me - being the one not understanding the other person).

But whatever, I will just let go of the reins and stop trying to do so much because my efforts are proving fruitless. I can only handle so much annoyance. I'm going to try harder to not let dumb little things get to me. I don't want to go crazy!

Thank the Lord for fall break. Hello freedom and rest.

Happy Feast Day!

2010-10-04T10:28:00.003-04:00

Happy Feast Day to Saint Francis of Assisi!

If I had thought to ask my youth minister and Confirmation teachers if I, a female, could have a male as my Confirmation saint, I would totally have picked you St. Francis. Now my honest question is, would I have been able to at all? I have not the answer.

Next to Jesus, Francis is my favorite. Nothing against St. Katharine Drexel, whom I chose. She's a pretty wonderful lady.

It was and sort of still is a chilly morning, unless you stand/walk in the sun. It's a beautiful day! I'm off to lunch with a friend who returned from Kuwait safely. Yay! I just have chemistry lab lecture and lab, which I hopefully will not be late to, God willing.

So to enjoy this wonderful fall and St. Francis of Assisi's feast day, here's a few of my favorite quotes:

Even though it is uncertain whether or not he actually said the following quote, I still like to think it's something he would have said. It fits. I like it: "Preach the Gospel at all times; if necessary, use words."

No explanation needed: "Do you want to know one of the best ways to win over people and lead them to God? It consists in giving them joy and making them happy."

I love love love the "Peace Prayer of St. Francis" as well, even though it wasn't written by him:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy;

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood, as to understand, to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Here also is a link to all the posts where St. Francis is mentioned. You'd think that since his quote was the inspiration for the blog that I would talk about him more...anyway, click here. A few of them are actually some of my favorite all-time posts.