Saturday, December 3, 2011

I'm Just A Lost Kid

So, I'm trying this new blogger interface if stuff looks dumb, well, it's still my fault because it all looks new to me here in the back-end of the site. If I'm trying to be funny, I'd say it's all Greek to me, but my roommate is taking Greek for her foreign language...and even this new blogger stuff still kinda looks like English. Anyway, there's a learning curve somewhere!

I have been struggling a lot lately with many things, but the one thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is that of post-undergrad life.

I know I've already touched on this before, but the last few weeks yet again have provided me many opportunities, conversations, and thoughts to freak out about life.

Part of my problem is that I keep comparing myself to others. Another problem is that I attribute things to people that may not actually be true. For example, that person looks like they have it all together so then they must have it all together. "In reality, nobody does!" my friend said to me.

I just think other people do because I feel like I don't.

And it's maddening.

I don't believe in the gifts and abilities God has given me. At least, I recognize some of them but I don't act. In constantly underestimating myself, what am I saying to God? "Pppbbbttt, gifts? What gifts? I can't do this." That's what I'm saying. I don't have faith in my own abilities, and I struggle with letting go of my fears and trying to control things and to just let God lead.

Really, overall I'd summarize my current state like this: I feel lost, like I'm wandering around.

I don't want to keep feeling that way. So I guess the first step in the process of finding some semblance of peace, of finding the way back to complete and unwavering trust in God is to admit that, yes, I do have a problem. (No recovering anything-addict jabs intended. My problem is a problem too).

So what's next God?

And, am I really ready for whatever that is?

......yes. I'm terrified.

Good start, right?

My friend and I discovered the other day that we both struggle with listening to God. It was a beautiful thing when we both realized that at that moment in time, God was using the both of us to help each other out. I haven't talked to him in such a long time, and he had been on my mind recently. Turns out it was for a plethora of goodness and discovery!

Obviously, God knows how to reach me. I just don't know how to listen. But that conversation with my friend and listening to some really awesome lyrics just opened my eyes (and ears). It has also started to help me open my heart up, one teensy bit at a time.

Thanks be to you, God, for my friend and for "Lost Kid" by The Apache Relay. It accurately sums up the current me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just a lost kid,
stumbling through these towns,
stuck in between the waves.
Nothing feels the same.

I need an anchor that never lets go,

I need someone to call, to hear a voice I know.
Something that feels like home.
Something that feels like home.

All my life, all my life, all my life I've been waiting for You

All my life, all my life, all my life I've been waiting for You

I've been searching all of my days, looking for any signs, reading between the lines, hoping for anything.

I've been living in this tension, I just pretend I'm fine, that everything's ok, but I'm about to break.
Yeah I'm about to break

All my life, all my life, all my life I've been waiting for You
All my life, all my life, all my life I've been waiting for You
All my life, all my life, all my life I've been waiting for You
All my life, all my life, all my life I've been waiting for You

The Apache Relay - Lost Kid from Live & Breathing on Vimeo.


Elizabeth Mahlou said...

Two comments:

(1) I don't think anyone has it all together, not really.

(2) Comparing ourselves to others is not a useful activity.

Wishing you a blessed Advent!

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

PS. Ashley, are you home for the holidays?

Mary said...

What you're going through is COMPLETELY NORMAL. You are an amazing young woman with some amazing God-given patient!