Lately it would seem that I have developed this habit of thinking a lot about what I wanted or should have said, after the fact. When it's too late to do anything about it!
Does that make any sense? I've really only had this problem after some of my speeches for class, but there have also been a few times that I've run into this problem when I've just been having normal conversations with people. For some reason, way after the speech or conversation, I'll still mull over everything that I said.
Then I start to see holes and gaps that I know I could fill in right now. Why couldn't I have said this? Why didn't I say that? Or, man I really wish I would have said that. Literally, I kid you not, I'll spend much more time than is necessary (or even healthy, I'm sure) thinking about the stuff I could have filled the holes/gaps with. It's a problem. What's wrong with me?!
The last time I had a bad case of "oops, shoulda said X", I was getting ready for bed, trying not to think about what I should've said. As I plopped down onto my bed, I started to sing one of my favorite songs, "Rise" by Eddie Vedder. It's from the Into the Wild soundtrack, and it is also my phone alarm...it's the loudest quiet song (if that makes any sense, it's not obnoxious loud) that I wake up to every morning. Anyway, this stood out to me: Gonna rise up/Turning mistakes into gold.
I was reminded that tomorrow is a new day, and I can choose to rise up and make it better. I have the opportunity to turn my mistakes into gold.
Now, perhaps my shoulda coulda woulda moments weren't mistakes, but at those particular times, I felt like they were. Maybe they really were, but more than likely they were not.
I definitely think that I'm doing better with not worrying or thinking about the what-ifs too much. Yesterday I gave my biggest speech so far this semester, and afterward, I didn't have any thoughts about what I could or should have said. That may in part be due to the fact that it was a well-outlined, semi-rehearsed speech. But the point is, I didn't let the monster in.
I like rising up and turning mistakes into gold. It feels awesome.