Thursday, February 24, 2011

Stop Worrying

Stop worrying.

That's all He said.

In the midst of my whirly-twirly mind thinking about 1 million things at the same time, all of a sudden, for a brief moment, it all stopped. And I heard, "Stop worrying." That's all I heard. No other sounds, though there were plenty to be heard.

And I did, I stopped. For the first time in a few weeks, for the first time within the past few hours, I stopped worrying.

It was and is wonderful to feel this way.

Though I have recently been presented with a few future-opportunities and items to follow up with, I was still frightened. Hell, I'm still scared.

But it's a fear that's been tamed and wrapped in a love that I only think I can understand. Funny thing is, I will never understand the depth of God's love for me.

This evening was some sort of collecting point for all my worries and fears about what I'm supposed to do with my life, and my cup decided to runneth over, so to speak. I see all of these wonderful people around me who are doing beautiful, wonderful things for others, for God. They have plans, and they're already making something of themselves. They are beautiful people who are trying their best to make this world better for the rest of us, especially those who are suffering from whatever ailment befalls them be it sickness or oppression or rebuilding shattered nations and peoples.

I want to do that. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to do what they are doing. But at the same time, there is a feeling/voice inside me that keeps saying, yes, you want to do that, but that is what they're doing. Yes, I know you're interested. You forget child, that I know you.

I am playing catch up because of my indecisiveness. Now I think, though, that my switching majors 3 times was what I needed to do to get me here. But then I think, well what if I had come in with a plan and stuck to it or at least not have gone back on the other plans I had when I first came to college? Maybe I would be out researching or working on projects that benefited more than just my GPA. Instead, I am taking a much-needed "light" semester and focusing on recharging the batteries. Then I think about past mistakes, actions, missed opportunities that I regret. Are those things and their potential consequences going to hinder my future, help my future, or both?

My situation is akin to my hiking habit. On the trail, I often spend my time watching my feet. Occasionally I look up to see further ahead, to see the valleys below, to see the sights up ahead, to see the hiker in front of me. I guess right now, I am supposed to be watching my feet. It's not quite time for me to look up ahead. I'm not quite ready to look ahead.

Stop worrying, He said.


Lori said...

Ashley: This is a truly beautiful post. So honest and heartfelt, and you are making a difference already. As for switching majors, our steps are orchestrated by the Lord, and as my very wise Mom says, "whatever you learn, no one can take away, you will always have it." Just think of how many college age people never even give a thought to God, and yet you have all this wisdom.

Don't worry, you will be just fine!


Mary said...

I switched my major 4 times. Yes, I said 4. There is no doubt in my mind that whatever He calls you to do, you will make a difference...a huge difference.

Sr. Ann Marie said...

Ashley, seems to me you're not giving yourself enough credit. I've been following your blog and can't tell you how impressed I've been--your insights, your honesty, and your desire to make a difference in the world. Maybe right now that voice inside is simply saying, "Be still and know that I am God." And God will continue to work goodness through you!