Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Cats and Dogs

During the process of cleaning out my inbox, I rediscovered this little gem. I changed the pictures to my own animals. Whoever the author is, I thank that person. The following seems to be an accurate description of one of my dogs and one of my cats (Rocky and Squeak, respectively).

What Pets Write in Their Diaries

Excerpts from A Dog's Daily Diary...

Rocky: the ever annoying, hyper, clutzy, bear of dog whom we still lovingly call Puppy Boy. Definitely fits the below diary entry.

Duke: the good old boy, likes to stay outside all the time, has his own distinct odor, loves his belly rubbed. Not so much the description below, but a few things hit the mark.

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Squeak: formal name=Pebbles, moody, has an evil stare, will let you know when she has had enough of you...which involves claws but I love her all the same. Definitely fits the below description.

Tinkerbell: has many nicknames, sounds like Fran Drescher in cat form, loves tuna, a "lap kitty," occasionally drinks out of the toilet and your water glass. Not so much the description below but a few things hit the mark.

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

No comments: